I Am Roy Fazli

I've Moved!!

2011-04-18T15:57:00.004+08:00

Just in case you're wondering, I have not stopped writing.....

Please visit my new site @ www.royalfielee.com

It's my new site. Thanks and see you around.

Life Seemed To Slow Down......

2010-06-21T18:14:00.002+08:00

Life is a journey that takes it's own time. Sometimes you feel like it sped pass you without you knowing it. You didn't know what happened until it's over.

But it also slows down sometimes. That you just wished you can speed things up.

Ever since the passing of Along in April, my life seemed to slow down a lot. There are certain things that I just can't get over, it's like the feeling never sank in.

And this recently, the passing of a great friend whom I used to work with and the passing of an elderly relative made me take two steps back and reassess my life.

Are we all where we wanted to be? Am I where I want to be?

I can't decide, and life seemed to stop for a moment there. I had to re-adjust on the way I think, and the way I feel.

But I'm the one who brought me here, to where I am. I took the journey and I made the decisions. And it's hard when you can't seem to move anywhere.

Life is so fragile and I don't want to live in vain. There will be a time that I will go away and never come back, until it is necessary for me to. I love my mom and I'll always be grateful for everything. It's just that sometimes I got to make that hard decision and live life the way I need to.

Yesterday was Fathers' Day, and I struggle hard not to think about it, that maybe that was what Fate have in store for me. But I dreamed of my lil gals yesterday, and again today. And did some deep searching within myself.

And so, I put my pride aside as a man, and texted my ex as a father, that I wanted to bury the hatchet and let bygones be bygones.She is, after all, remarried already. I extended the olive branch once again and hope she can let me make amends and let me see my lil gals again. At least before I go off for good.

I have tried not to think about them, but I keep their photos in my phone and praying every time, that they are well take care of. I missed them so much. It's been almost 10 months since I last saw them.

So far, she's been ignoring me, but I really hope she would get back to me.

I've been dreaming of my lil gals so much and in my dreams, me, my ex and her new hubby got on really well. And I didn't want that to just be in the confines of my dreams. I want it for real. To be civil to each other, and understand that the lil gals need both parents.

I guess, I can only be hopeful.

Life is terribly short, and I want to be able to look back and tell myself, that everything was worthwhile, the way I lived it.

Like a Confucius saying, "It doesn't matter how slow you go, just as long as you do not stop."

I guess slowing down is good. And hopefully, things will get better.

Voices In My Head

2010-06-05T12:50:00.003+08:00

It's been a long while since I had the urge to write anything... Life's been a drag since then.

After my elder sister passed away, I've had a long time to review my life goals and needs. The need to look back and ponder upon my own mortality is a tedious journey but necessary one.

Sometimes you get too caught up with the fast pace of life in Singapore that you forget to slow down. Sometimes you get too caught up with yourself that you forget about others, the ones that matters in your life. Sometimes you get too busy to earn a living that you forget to enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

Pleasures like seeing the sun sets, like looking at the stars. Pleasures of having your loved ones by your side. Pleasures of being able to do whatever you wanted to.

The past will mold the future but not control it. I've had good and bad experiences, many at times an eye opener to life itself.

I've had time to ponder upon everything and re-assess my life goals. And now is the time to start over again. And while the challenges that comes along may seem difficult, I guess that the price I'm willing to pay.

As I pray for God to give me the strength in adversity, I also offer a prayer for my loved ones to be safe and happy, wherever they are and whatever they do.

In Loving Memory: My Dearest Along

2010-04-17T05:09:00.002+08:00

Words can never explain how I'm feeling now.

My Along has succumbed to the virus that's invaded her as she was recovering from the stem cell transplant for her leukemia.

She breathed her last surrounded by her loved ones and dearest friends that she had made over her lifetime.

As I try to cope with the grief, I worry for my mom who had been caring for her since she got admitted for the transplant. She had given all that a mother could do and she had been the greatest mom.

If I as a sibling is feeling the pain of losing a loved one, I can never comprehend the pain that my mom is feeling watching her own flesh and blood slip away into the darkness.

In my mourning however, I feel glad that she is released from her suffering. She had fought a valiant battle in the face of adversity. I can never feel the pain that she had gone through but I don't think I'll be as strong as her.

As I watch her slip away in her final moment, I held her hand and offered a silent prayer and resigned to fate that God loved her more.

Memories of her flooded my mind as I stood there, trying to remain stoic. But as the closing moments came in, I can't help but let the tears flow from my eyes. I remember our growing up moments, how we've had our differences when we were young. Me being the youngest sibling and her, the eldest.

But as we matured into grown adult, Along has always been the helpful one and the most sensible amongst us. She had gone through a lot and she'll be missed.

I'll miss the times where we'd just sit down and talk about life.

I'll always remember her words, "It's alright if bad things happen to us, that others seemed to make our life difficult. Just don't do it to others."

She was kind enough to offer me a room when I had no place to stay. She often gave good advices and reminded me that adversities in life is just God's way of testing our faith.

It seemed like yesterday when she broke the news of her leukemia a few months back. And the roller coaster ride that the whole family went through when we couldn't find a bone marrow match, and then a reprieve when her doctor said that they could use my blood marrow even if it's only a 95% match.

It seemed like yesterday that I went through the side effects of the medication as I prepare myself to give my stem cells to her.

We've had some scary moments a few weeks ago when she got into ICU for a few days after which she seemed to be on her way to recovery.

And just over a week ago, she had been able to eat and talk as normal. Tests on her blood had come out well with the doctors declaring that she is free from the cancer cells that had caused the leukemia.

But I guess God had other plans for my dearest Along.

Just yesterday when my bro-in-law, whom I had the greatest respect for, told us on her condition, that it had taken a turn for the worst. And we can only hope that she won't suffer for long.

She had lived a wonderful life and she'll be remembered as the person who had never turned down when her loved ones are in need of help in any ways.

She had been a great daughter, doting mother and the kindest of sibling anyone can ever have.

She'll be missed by everyone close to her and to those whose life have been touched by her amiable and kind heart.

Rest in peace my dearest Along. May God bless your soul for eternity and give you a place amongst His loved ones.

Until I see you again, I love you always Along :-(

In Deep Prayers.....

2010-03-12T03:02:00.002+08:00

Sometimes in life, you're thrown into an abyss where you can't see the bottom of the well. And tonight, I'm feeling like I'm somewhere there.

I've had a rough week, trying to overcome the side effect of the medication for the stem cells which is meant for my Along, for her to get better, for her to have a fighting chance in her battle against leukemia.

And then, there's the side show with the ex, who actually threw out all my stuffs from my HDB flat without letting me know. I've got a week before handing over the keys to the new owners, and she took liberty to just dump my things without letting me know.

I had actually wanted to make my peace with her and wish her all the best for her upcoming wedding, but I guess I was naive to think that she will let the past be buried into oblivion. To hell with her la.....

And then the bad news came.

Along suffered complications in her battle after receiving my stem cells.

Sure, the doctors said there are risks involved. That my blood might reject her body, especially when we're both from different blood type. But in doing so, her chances will increase from 10% to 40%.

GVHD (Graft Versus Host Disease) is a thorn in this battle. It was only yesterday that I checked on her recovery, and my bro-in-law said everything is going on fine, that she only had side effects from the plentiful of drugs pumped into her body to ensure GVHD doesn't take place.

And just hours ago, my fears started to materialize. She had vomited blood and her condition might take a turn for the worse.

I can't help but feel like I'm the cause of it. Maybe I didn't take care of my body well enough? Maybe I should have done more during the period when they extracted my stem cell?

The whole family will be going to pay her a visit before they send her to Intensive Care later. And I can't sleep.

Neither can I stop praying and hoping that she'll be strong and that she'll pull through.

The next 3 weeks is crucial, and if she get through this, she might be able to recover.

I'm hoping that God will hear my prayers, that a miracle will happen. It just breaks my heart hearing my mom crying over the phone, and it's a terrible feeling that I can't do more but just pray.

I wish I can do more.

Dear God, please give Along the strength to fight her battle.

Amen.

Happy 3rd Birthday Dear Azelya Nadya Roy Fazli

2010-03-05T21:46:00.003+08:00

Dear Azelya Nadya,

Tomorrow you'll turn 3, and I'm sorry I didn't get to go and see you. I miss you so much my lil angel, and I miss your big sister too.

I'm sorry for a lot of things. I haven't been there for you much, not as much as I had been for Lily, but I still love you as much if not more.

I can still remember the day when you were born. I have been down with fever, like I had been when Lily was born.

And you look just like me. And your mummy even said you'll grow up to be a very naughty gal like daddy. Hee.....

I know I had missed the first 6 months of your life, but I tried hard to make up for the missing time. I still remember celebrating your 2nd birthday in school. You're smiling and beaming coz I came by and you were so happy to see me.

Azelya, Daddy would like to wish you a Happy Birthday and may you be blessed with happiness and good health.

I remember how you'll always bully Lily over every little toy and it made my day to see you sticking it up. But as you grow older, your sister is the only one that you're gonna have to stand by for no matter what.

I hope Mummy is taking care of you well, I know she will. I'm guessing that you've had a birthday cake at school just now, and maybe a party for you tomorrow wherever you'll be.

I miss your smile and your cheeky grin. The last picture I saw of you was when you had the CNY celebration at school, and you really looked lovely!!

I'm always thinking of you and Lily, and missing you so much everyday. Grow up to be a fine lady and don't bully Lily too much alright. Be there for each other no matter what, and don't let anything affect your bond with your sister.

As long as you're doing fine, Daddy is happy. And make sure the both of you take care of your mummy well. She's had a pretty torrid time when she was pregnant with you. Oh well....

Although it's been 6 months since Daddy brought you out, I hope to see you again soon. And Daddy hope you're happy now wherever you are, and whatever you do.

Happy Birthday my lil angel. I will always love you no matter what, and I'll be praying that life won't be so hard on you.

I miss you Azelya Nadya. I always do.

Life's A Blessing

2010-02-19T18:20:00.002+08:00

Life is truly a blessing. In one way and another. And many more.

Sure, there are days when I thought it couldn't get any better and that it's destined to be a miserable existence that I'm having.

There are many things that would change a person's life. But there are also moments that I have missed and lost.

This time, I wanna make things right, and keep it close to me.

Been busy this lately with work, and sweetie gf, and many things coming up for me.

Next week, I'll be travelling to SGH daily for the whole week. The stem cell donation that was scheduled last week had been postponed due to the fact that I had unfortunately caught the flu, and for the doctors that is treating my sister's leukemia, it was a big NO until I recover.

I woke up today feeling better than I had for the past week. And waking up to her smile is the highlight of my day.

My short novella is short of 13 chapters, while I contemplate on whether I should go for bust and attempt a full novel while I'm at it. My head is spinning and sometimes it just refused to churn out the words that I wanted.

I guess I'll just have to try harder and keep going at it until I'm satisfied with myself. Reviews from fellow writers and friends who had previewed the first 5 chapters have been kind and constructive. But the greatest enemy is myself. I can't seem to be happy with my own work, insisting on going through every word and editing it over and over.

Well, I have time and I'm just looking forward to getting this done and then I'll worry about getting a publisher.

Looking forward to my short break away from Singapore in March, planning to head to KL with sweetie gf and spend a week away from urban and hectic Singapore life. The last time I had a vacation was back in Aug 2008, and it's a break that have been long overdue.

And planning to head to Manila in April with gf for meet her parents and family session. Ahakz!!

Crossing my fingers that things will go as planned. My South Africa trip in March have been canned due to my own failure to juggle school and work. I did badly for my last module and lost the slot to another student who had better time management than me, and I guess he's smarter. Ahakz!! I'll live to fight another battle another day.

And at the same time, looking for a business opportunity that I can explore, with backings from a close friend that I can rely on. It seemed like I'm trying to do so much, but I can't stand not doing anything much nowadays.

Every minute is precious, every moment, exceptional.

So, life's a blessing, no matter how I look at it. Maybe the presence of her makes it easier to see through the day and makes me want to do better in every way.

As I look forward and strive for more, I know I'm running on a gas tank full of hopes and dreams. Hopefully I don't burn myself out so badly like the last time. This time, I'm really pacing myself for the marathon of life. I know I'll have my fair share of success and failure.

Life's a blessing. And I feel truly blessed.

For The First Time.....

2010-01-26T16:42:00.005+08:00

For the first time, since a very long time, life seemed to really turn around for me.

Gone are the nights that I go to sleep wondering if things are gonna get better, in so many different ways.

Gone are the silent hours, that used to be my precious moments which turned into a deafening silence that is slowly putting me to sleep.

Gone are the lonely days where my heart seemed like it'll never love anymore. In an unencumbered way, the only way I know how. I always give my all, or nothing. Getting things done halfway aren't really my forte.

For the first time, as I looked into her eyes, suddenly a voice is telling me that she might be the person that I could spend the rest of my life looking at, waking up to and smiling for. Something that others have failed to make me feel. Something rather unexpected.

It came as a surprise. Something that I barely expected. Rarely have anyone stirred that much in me before either. There's something in the way she looked at me. And I feel helpless by everything.

And I've never been so sure. Until now.

I ask myself if this could be the real deal. And for the first time, I thought, this is it. No hesitation felt, nor was there any indecision.

But I know, that it'll take a step at a time to ever start anything meaningful. And my first step is to realize and admit that I have been struck by this thing probably called love.

I've yet to say that important 3 words, for I think that the less I say it, the more meaningful it'll be. Say it one time too much, then it'll lose it's powerful hold on that sacred feeling that anyone will ever feel.

When she held my hands, everything else doesn't seem to matter. It's a long journey ahead. But at least now, I'm not alone anymore.

It's surreal that I see her smiling at me when I wake up in the morning. It's a pleasant feeling to have her by my side. And while I don't know how long that feeling will last, I'm sure it'll be around for a very long time. Hopefully ;)

For the first time, I'm feeling truly happy since life took the turn for a worse.

The Defining Moment

2010-01-21T14:34:00.002+08:00

There are many things that makes a man. And there are many reasons that will break them.

But the defining moment doesn't come too often, and when it does, will leave you floundering and pondering for days. But that defining moment usually lasts for a nanosecond. Blink, and it's gone.

But it will keep you thinking and will leave an indelible mark on you. And it'll stay there for a very long time.

Like when Manchester United won the Champions League in 1999. That split second when Ole scored, made me cried the tears of happiness and its funny how true happiness can bring tears to your eyes.

I'm still almost moved to tears every time I watch the replays of that fateful game. Football? Bloody hell!!

Ahakz!! But then, it wasn't my defining moment.

Mine? I'm not really sure. There are many turns in life. But maybe one very distinct moment that I will always remember, is when I became a father. Yup, that was one of the many moments that will change me as a person. Oh well....

And the day when I win the Singapore Sweep. Eventually and unexpectedly. Hopefully. Ahakz!!

I'm just getting bored but life is turning around for me, definitely. Will travel away from here soon, and explore the world. All by myself. Or with whoever is the lucky person to go with me. Hmm...

Around Europe in 30 days. With me, myself, I and the soon to be delivered DSLR, and maybe a companion.

A poll will be put up and the draw will take place in around April for whom is the lucky one to follow me. Ahakz!! If you're shortlisted, chance are I've already asked you. And that totalled to about 3 person?? LOL!

It's still not too late to be shortlisted, but at my own discretion. And decisions made are final. Unless you commit a foul, or handball like Thierry Henry did for France, no replay will be considered. Oh wait, neither did the FIFA do anything about it. Oh well.....

Can't hardly wait for June. Chances are, I might still end up going alone on my own, but hopefully not :P

That could well be the defining moment of my life. And I await with bated breathes until it comes. And yup, along with the winning ticket to the Singapore Sweep draw in February. Ahakz!!!

Life's Short, Work Hard, Play Harder

2010-01-11T11:04:00.002+08:00

It seems like your world seemed to contract when you grow older. Ahakz!! I'd like to think that it'll expand.

Been getting myself busy these days and for me, work is like play. I'll hate it when work starts becoming a chore for me. I've been wanting to have more time for myself, yeah. I think it'll be fine.

Still getting into the routine of things and planning out a proper scheduling. It's not easy but then, I guess nothing is.

This recently, I've been getting the 'OMG, you're so pudgy!!' comments and I guess it's time to get back to working out again. Heee.... I know. For the past few months, I've been slacking too much and it pains me just to see the digits on my digital weighing scale. Darn!! Ok, I know!!

Just a few days ago, my mom called me and told me the progress on my elder sis, Along, who is suffering from ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia). Apparently, the bone marrow from donors in the States didn't match as well as it should.

My heart sank upon hearing that, but then soon after she also told me that the doctors wanted me to go back again to SGH for further testing as, from all the siblings and donor matches, I'm the one who's closely matched to her blood type.

What are the chances? I guess life's like that.

I had felt that I've failed to do my duties as a sibling when at first, a few months back, they told me that our blood didn't match, but this is another chance for me to help. As much as I terribly hate needles (being a chronically accident/illness prone kid whose almost broken every bone in the body), I guess it's nothing compared to what Along is going through now.

Yesterday, I dropped by Along's place to pick up some of my stuffs, coz she wanna rent out the room I was staying in to her supplement her expense for the treatment. I've not been going back for a couple of months and told her that she should be using the room to earn a bit more now that she's not working.

I was shocked by her appearance, though not unexpected. She was totally bald, and she looked exactly just like Cameron Diaz in 'My Sisters Keeper'. But she's well enough to move around. And I spent the evening talking to her after mom left for home. Talking about life, and all. And she's really strong, really looking forward to beat this thing. I admire her strength and courage coz I don't think I'll be able to if it were me.

Today, she'll be going back to SGH to start her 4th round of chemotherapy. And I've got an appointment with her doctors this coming Wednesday. Praying hard things will turn out well.

As for me, I'm just trying to get back to working out a proper workout now. Staying near the beach will help me get the hang of things. I hope so. I'm really looking forward to running by the sea on a daily basis. And trying to look around for a gym in this area.

And wishing my cousin, Ayul, who was involved in an accident at Sengkang when he knocked down a jaywalking dog. He was lucky to get away with not so serious injuries, just scrapes and superficial damage. Get well soon and take care when you're riding ok!!! But be prepared, coz the dead dog family might just file in a lawsuit against you for reckless riding!! Ahakz!!! Ok, the dog jaywalking would be your best defence. But he might be colour blind you know!! Ahakz!!

So, wishing out aloud to everyone, "Have a great Monday!! And have a wonderful week!!!"

Life's short, work hard, play harder!!

Happy New Year... And Happy Birthday To Me.... (Ok, I Know This Seems Late... Been Busy La... Ahakz!!)

2010-01-04T20:14:00.006+08:00

Happy new year to everyone!! And yes, it was my birthday too... 29th!! OMG, I'm getting old... I don't know how it'll be like when I celebrate my big three-O....

It's been a busy week with stuffs and all, but then, I had time to reflect on the year 2009 and I guess some things are just best unspoken.

I've had more 'lows' than 'highs', and it was a year worth forgetting. I've made new friends though and I'm grateful for that.

Oh yeah, I'll also admit that it's been an 'emo' year for me. I love my lil angels more than anything else but then, I'm not gonna let their mom take my kind gesture as something that she can take for granted. I'll see her in court soon coz I don't want my gals to grow up thinking that I don't love them anymore.

Oh well... I love my life, and no one's gonna make it go down. I'm clear and lucid about what I want, and no one is gonna undo that for me.

New year's celebration was a blast!! Yeah...

I've had more to drink in the past 2 months than I've had in the past 28 years of my life. But I guess that's gonna stop soon. Too much of anything ain't good, except love and money. Ahakz!! I guess that's pretty much what I'm looking forward to in 2010.

More money!! I've told myself that I'll stop giving my Mom a headache and stop worrying about me and give her more to spend for her needs and medicine. And hopefully for my lil angels education too. Their mom's been a b!+ch for all I care, but I still love them the same.

Gonna work hard this year and spend less. Yeah, right!! I hope so *cross fingers*

And then, thinking about life, about how time flies and how it seemed that I've neglected people who loved me, and wasted my time loving those who doesn't deserve it.

Leaving 2009 behind, it's a relief for me. Another year to turn things around and make life a better place. Ain't that what life is all about? Striving for better, and making it big!

I shall leave memories of 2009 in the backroom at the back of my head where it'll be forgotten. The hurt of broken heart, and hopes. The death of loved ones which shall leave a lifetime of memories. The failure to see my plans through. The breakdown that nearly ended it all.

Goodbye...

2010, I welcome with open arms. With renewed vigor and dreams. With new hopes and dreams. With bigger plans and better ideas. With thoughts and prayers to my loved ones. With stubborn perseverance for better days ahead.

Looking forward to more and more each day. I'm addicted to life.

Everything else can wait. 2010 is waiting for me, and I think it'll be a great year.

Happy New Year to everyone!!!!

Scrambled Thoughts...

2009-12-28T13:36:00.003+08:00

It's time.

Remember how people telling you, how strong you are is measured by how much you can let go. Remember how they kept saying that moving on is the best thing.

Apparently, maybe they have not had a life changing moment as intense as anyone else. Everyone gets to that turning point in their life. Everyone will reach a situation that will define them in the long run.

Everyone will. It's just a matter of when. And how.

For some, it'll be a series of small events that will encapsulate everything that means anything to them. For others, it may be a surprise that they never thought will happen to them.

What happens then? Some will react, some will watch it unfold and do totally nothing about it and accept their life as such. But one thing everyone will have in common is, they will ask. Why me?

Even for those whose fate is their own making.

Life is not all that bad. Sure, there are moments that will make you wonder out aloud, 'WHY?'

For some, their beliefs will pull them through the difficult moments. Not everyone have the same faith, the strength or courage. Everyone have their own breaking point. And everyone will experience the encounter of the denials.

Life is a stage, and everyone plays a part. Bit part, minor or major, everyone will play that part. They are the star in their own show. They are the supporting actors in others, and some just plays a cameo here and there.

It depends though. Just how, I have yet to figure that out.

The voices in my head is telling me something, and the ones in my heart tells me otherwise.

"When dealing with yourself, use your head. With others, use your heart"

That's a quote I saw somewhere along this long and arduous journey. But somehow, it's not a fail safe advice.

My heart is beating, but it's not feeling as how it should. My head is thinking, but it's not the thoughts that matters.

It's all scrambled out, like this rambling that is going through my head. I always wonder, what's the point? Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't.

I'm warbling non-stop coz I just can't stop this fingers from pounding on the keyboard. These fingers that sometimes translate out my thoughts into words. And feelings.

But sometimes, I just can't tell them apart. Between the things that I'm thinking and the emotions that I'm feeling. Maybe someday I would, but I guess that would be another story for another day.

For now, I'll just get back to the incomplete novella that's been neglected. I think it'll be better to pound on that for the next few months.

Just 3 more days to a brand new year, but still, obviously, the same old me.

Missing My Angels

2009-12-23T22:25:00.007+08:00

This girl, had grown up so much from the last time I saw her. She still had that innocence in her, that enviable smile, that precious twinkle in her smile eyes. She's grown so beautiful and lovely.

She seemed happy walking on her own, in her school uniform. I'm guessing that she's around 8 or 9 years old? Has it been that long? Did time really breeze through?

I actually stumbled upon her as I was getting along my daily routine, trying to get through the day without feeling down the dumps.

Then I saw her. And my day felt more beautiful than any other day. Been years, I think. Been too long. Been ages since I last saw her.

And then she turned to me. A hesitant look on her face. Would she recognise me? Would she know? I had not seen them since we moved out of the house in 2010. That would have been 4 years ago?

She tilted her head and then she took a long look at me and frowned before breaking into a smile. And then she ran to me. She ran. As fast as she could. I could see her heaving and pushing her way to me despite lugging the schoolbag that seemed like too much a burden for her.

"Daddy!!" she shouted. I stood still, trying to hold back the tears in my eyes. Trying not to break down. She still recognised me, despite all these years apart. Despite having a new 'daddy' in her life. Despite not being in touch since we had gone our own ways. She still knows who I am.

She came close and then hugged me like she'll never let me go. I had to stoop down and embrace her as one. I wished I never had to let go. All the years seemed to roll back. I remembered her smile when she was born and it is still the same smile that took my heart away.

And then, as she turned to face me, she asked, "Where have you been? Why haven't you come for us? Me and baby (Azelya)."

I kept my silence. She didn't need to know. That I tried hard to see them after, for years, only for my ex-wife to refuse access, citing that they were happy without me, and that I need not look for them anymore now that she's married again and that they have a new 'daddy'. A newer and better version.

"I miss you. So much. I keep asking her but mummy never told us where you have been," Lily said, still in my embrace. "Why didn't you come for us? Don't you love us, daddy?"

It breaks my heart looking at her tear, that same tears she wept the last time I brought her out, and she telling me how much she missed me when I'm gone.

-------------------------------------------------------

And then I stirred awake. It had been a dream. I woke up with tears in my eyes, realizing how much I've missed them, Lily and Azelya.

But I've tried, in vain. And I tried getting in touch, being diplomatically nice and polite. Only for the ex to ignore my request to see them. She reasoned that they had a better 'daddy' now and that I should forget them. The lil ones who lights up my life.

The one reason that made me want to be a better man. Only to be denied by the same person who gave birth to them. What can I do? *sigh* What else can I do?

It's been 5 months, and the way it's going now, it'll be years before I realize it. *sigh*

I miss my lil angels. Lily and Azelya, I miss you both with all my heart. Just so you know.

Counting Down To The End...

2009-12-08T18:20:00.004+08:00

Counting down...

Everyone seemed to like doing that. Counting down to the months, days, hours and minutes.

Everyone always waiting for something in their life. Waiting for the weekend, waiting for the holidays, waiting for work to be over, waiting for lunch, waiting for the phone call, waiting for payday, waiting for that great sale. You get my drift. Everyone is waiting. The odd ones, waiting to die. Damn, I could make a living selling countdown stuffs. I could make a killing.

Me? I'm done with waiting. Things either comes my way when I want it or I'll just walk away. No more waiting.

Waiting, makes me less in control of what I want. Which is living life to the fullest.

Waiting, I have had enough of it. And it gets on my nerves wasting my time waiting.

But then it's inevitable, this waiting thing. I still gotta wait for things to happen in their own time. In their own stride. In their own moments.

Some things, I don't mind waiting though.

Things like the beautiful morning sunrise, or the tear inducing vanilla sky when it sets. The rainbow when it appears after a heavy downpour. The cries of a newborn when they were born. The odd shooting star after the whole night of staring into the dark twinkling sky. It's a given.

*sigh*

Oh well, I'm waiting for the year to end, waiting for that brand new year that comes every 365 days, and waiting for that fresh start.

But come to think of it, why wait?

It starts now, this new beginning. Every sunrise is a new chapter for me. Every hour is a new start. I don't have to wait for anything. Every person I smile to is a start to something new, probably. Ahakz!!

So, as we countdown (inevitably so) to the new year, I'll be looking forward to life and it's idiocy and whatever it have in store for me.

23 more days.... Bloody hell....

Losing Myself......

2009-12-03T17:21:00.002+08:00

2009.

The year that is going to be forgettable for a whole list of reasons. It'll be remembered for a few good things. But just like 2008, it'll get lost in the backyard of junk memories that stores only useless information in the rear of my brain in between my ears.

I'm lost in transition. The real ME. It's somewhere out there but I can't quite finger the exact location. Maybe somewhere in between Mars and Hell.

A close friend quoted, 'You have changed so much from the Roy that I used to know'.

And as perplexed as I may been when I heard it, I'm also taken aback by the honest admission that came out from me.

'Yes, I know that I'm turning from bad to worse. But the thing is, I just don't know how to stop the rot. Like I say, I'm lost in transition.'

But the essence of me still exists, no matter how bad I am. I have not become bitter, nor hate life. In fact, I'm loving it more.

I just had lost faith in things that makes the world go round. Trying to understand the turmoil within, is darn hard. Guessing what a gal wants for dinner is much easier to translate.

Life goes on and on, and I got lost trying to make something out for myself. There's always a time for everything, I guess. Now is the time for me to make all the mistakes I have made, and make things worse than they really are. I just hope there's still time for atonement at the end of it all.

And so, come Jan 1st, I shall find a place where I can spend it in solitude. Just pure silence, with the only noises that come is from within. The silent turbulence.

I'm a naturally happy person, I tell myself. And I don't need much convincing that I am. I just needed a reason to understand the madness of the life that I had.

Maybe one day, something or someone will help me make sense of it all. Maybe. Just maybe.

For now, I'm losing myself, and I understand that while it may not be pleasant for the people who is close to me, they need to understand too, that I need time. But I guess, it'll be too much to want them to still be around when I'm finally done.

I'm not getting much headway in this journey, but I'm making progress. I'm not where I want to be, but I am exactly where I expect to be. It's a lonely ride now, but given time, anyone will get used to anything.

Will there be any light at the end of the tunnel? I only see a dim one for now, and I guess that it'll be enough for now. I'll find my way out, but for the time being, let me stay in the darkness.

28 more days and counting. 2009, your time is running out. And I'll be more than happy to see the end of it.

Gone Too Soon.....

2009-11-24T02:29:00.002+08:00

Gone too soon...

I find sleep hard to come by, but I need it bad so I can see you in my dreams.

Those memories of us still lingers, and I'm still reeling in shock in the manner of your departure. I don't know how else to cope, I don't know how I'm doing.

All I know that I'm missing you badly. So bad it hurts. So bad I can't find a reason to smile. I keep looking at our photos and I can't find a reason to understand all of this.

They say that things happen for a reason. But what?

I still look forward to hearing your voice at the end of the line. I still expect you to miraculously appear out of nowhere and give me that goofy smile that lighted up my day, whatever mood I am in, be it gloomy or happy, you always make it better.

I yearn for your soft touch, your gentle manner that makes me feel like the luckiest man ever. That nothing can be better than what I have. You.

I'm falling apart, and I don't know if I can bounce back from this. You have gone, and you'll never come back. Not to me, nor to anyone.

I'm trying to make sense of all of this. Trying to understand the hidden message. Trying to give in to the bigger picture. You had my heart, and you took it away. Far away from here.

I miss you, and I don't know if you'll know. I talk to you before I sleep but I don't know if you'll hear me. I cry before I sleep, and I find it hard not to, when I wake up.

It's been wonderful, the times we had together. And it's been meaningful. As I drift in and out of consciousness, I wonder how long it would take to ever recover.

Our dreams burnt along and lies with your ashes. Our hopes, along with the wind. Our happiness, with your departure.

Rest in peace, my dearest sweetheart.

As I lay me down to sleep, I will never forget what we had. As time passes by, I will not forget your sweet smile that will always be etched in my thoughts. As I try to move along without you, I hope you'll smile upon me from the Heavens.

I miss you, and I always will.

Torn Apart....

2009-11-22T15:20:00.005+08:00

Surreal.....

And incredulous.....

That's what life is. For me. For now.

Left me wondering, how long is this gonna last. This phase of my life where I'm free like a bird, freedom without order, flying and soaring in the sky, to practically nowhere.

Subjecting myself to the highs and lows of life in excess. Making myself laugh and cry at the same time. Crying in my laughters, and laughing at my tears.

For every person that comes into my life, and left footsteps inside my heart, they also took a piece of it away. And I'm left wondering, what's left of it.

Am I being too hard on myself?

No matter how hard I try to keep things simple, it never is as easy as that.

Every now and then, life will throw me a little something, and I make a point to appreciate the beauty of everything, be it good or bad.

"Bad things happen to good people for a good reason"

What a bloody quote to even hear.

Oh well, I'm in mourning mode. And I guess I'll pick myself up once reality of her departure sinks in.

I'll deal with it my own way. I always do.

But I wonder, if I can take it anymore. Of having the people I love being prised apart from me, one way or another.

I'm torn apart, yes. But I'll be okay.

You've gone too soon, but memories of us will keep me going. And you'll always be remembered.

Rest in peace, my beloved. You'll always be in my thoughts.

Life Is Beautiful, More Than I Can Ever Realize....

2009-11-17T04:37:00.005+08:00

It's very incredulous. This life is.

After the dusts has settled down on my impending departure from the best work place I'll ever have, I started missing it so much. But not to the point of even contemplating to come back again.

I'm gonna miss the sea breeze, the sun and the soothing and calmness I get from hearing the waves breaking through.

But most of all, I'm gonna miss all my dearest fellow colleagues with whom I had spent almost 2 wonderful months together. Surprised as they are to hear my resigning from the company, everyone wished me well for my future endeavour.

And I can hardly wait to start on my new journey. But good things take time. I'm living life in the fast lane, and I hardly have time to stop, but I never forget to appreciate the wonderful things in my life.

Along the way, I'll choose to remember the good things and ignore the bad ones.

Just yesterday, I stayed in all day clearing up stuffs and packing my things. And moved into the spare bedroom albeit only for a few months.

I've been feeling 'homeless' for a very long time and got a short reprieve from that.

I cleaned up the room, swept every corner, wiped every nook clear of dusts and mopped myself silly. And I had this big suitcase that I kept inside the storeroom for a very long time. And thought to myself, 'Time to clear out things that I don't need'.

I had successfully retrieved the suitcase after clearing the countless obstacles that was dumped into the storeroom, packed with stuffs that wasn't mine.

And it's like opening a can of worms you didn't know you had.

I wished I hadn't done exactly that.

Sorting out the stuffs, I found medals and trophies from my sporting days. I found some memorabilia from the golden ages. The only thing I didn't find is gold bars. I wished I had some snucked in when I kept stuffs into the suitcase.

I practically had my whole life in that suitcase. Notes from years ago. Poems and songs that I wrote when I was in secondary school. Pictures of me, looking sloppy and young ad clueless. Phonebook from when everyone are still using 'pagers'. Letters from my pen pals. Ahakz!!

And when I got to the bottom of the pile in the suitcase, which I wished I didn't, were letters and notes from Nora to me. There were a copy of our wedding invitation. And pictures of us when we were dating.

Going through her handwriting, and the raw wordings of every single pages penned from her heart to me, I just can't help but break down in silence.

And made me think to myself, 'there was this one girl who really really loved me'. I had 2 lovely lil angels to show for it.

And I got lost trying to figure out how things happened the way it did.

I don't even know how it started, much less more on how everything ended. And I'm not gonna time travel back to find out. Life goes on, no matter how much it sucks.

And so, I resumed my packing and got everything back in place. Wardrobe in, bed frame in. Clothes washed and folded. Now I'm short of a mattress and some pillows.

Swept and mopped the whole place one last round and feeling pretty happy with myself that I managed all that in a day. Ahakz!! This is home, for the next 2 months.

My mom kept persuading me to move back in with her at my bro's, or my sis place where I used to bunk in. I still have the rest of my stuffs there at TPY. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Gotta think about it.

Having lived on my own makes me wonder if I could get used to the different regiments that each household brings. And I hate to be imposing on my siblings. I'll do things my own way in my own time. So, house hunting for the next 3 months will be one of my priorities.

Spent the night the same way I have been doing for the past months, getting around, getting wasted and at the same time working out the stuffs for my new venture and building up the base.

Everyday is different to me. And as much as I crash as hard as I play, I'm loving every moment of it.

Life is beautiful, more than I can ever realize. I can never stopped feeling all messed up, but I appreciate life the way it is.

No matter how down I feel, I know that before I start to conquer the world, I have to conquer myself.

And with that, I'll keep going on at it.

Cheerios!!

Falling Apart....

2009-11-11T05:00:00.002+08:00

I'm falling apart....

Pieces by pieces....

Been a while since my heart caught fire, but then, just when it starts to flicker with the warmth of love, out of nowhere, by some unknown force, it got poured upon with the coldest water.

Things have been going on well for me this lately, and life seemed to be picking up speed, slowly but surely.

And out of nowhere, I felt the embers burning in my heart, stoked by the winds of tender loving care. As always, I never expected anything to turn up, never hoping for something so good it hurts.

But I dared myself to believe, told myself to embrace the fear of getting hurt again, trying to overcome the scars still visible from the past.

And for a short time, I was the happiest guy, luckiest person and contented human. For the shortest time.

Unexplainable forces brought us together, unseen hand working behind the scenes to create the effect and made her tug my heartstrings.

Tug at it, she did. And like a seasoned guitarist, she made my heart flutter with a music it hasn't heard for a very long time.

Suddenly, everything is with a purpose, with that meaningful gestures to show she cared, and since a very long time, I felt loved.

It's a wonderful feeling, love is.

The high is better than smoking weed. I was soaring high above the celestial clouds. I had wings I didn't know I had without even drinking Red Bull. I am everything, I can be anything. I got punch drunk with that wonderful feeling.

And I enjoyed it while it lasted. I did.

For the longest time, I felt it when we're apart. And time seemed to breeze through when we are together. And suddenly, it felt like everything is over.

Am I incapable of love?

I understand it though. Why you had to go away.

I just wished we could have more time together. I knew what I was getting into. And I went in with my eyes wide open.

But the withdrawal, seemed too sudden, seemed too rushed. And it doesn't make the hurting feel any less hurt.

And as much as I try to make myself numb to all of this, I'm truly still as human as I should be. Blood flows in my veins and it courses through my broken heart like shrapnel of glasses that cuts into every sinews of me.

I'm not less of a man without you, but I feel your absence, your going away.

I'm going to miss you, but one day someone will take over your place and remove this wonderful memory of us.

I'm falling apart. Too many broken pieces, too many shattered hopes. I will recover from this, but for now, I'll let my heart bleed and tears run dry.

I'm going to miss you, and I'm going to miss us. I'm missing everything now.

As I lay me down to sleep, I am grateful for the memory of us. I'm thankful for that few moments that makes life beautiful for me.

For that moment when you look into my eyes and made me believe. For that transient vision of what happiness is like.

I've never felt that for a very long time, and I found it in us. But nothing last forever, and I know I'll have to force myself to embrace that fact.

Until I find love again, but for now, you know that I'm yours.

Until the day I find love once again.

A Circle That Turns Round And Round....

2009-11-05T17:14:00.002+08:00

Life is a circle.

That makes you turn round and round.

It's never a straight line with an ending. Life will bring you places, only to end up at the start line. And you'll do it all over again.

Only in different ways.

So, I'm gonna debunk this theory, and try to do it some other way. How? I don't know. I just know that I'm not gonna do things in a conventional way.

Things like finding the ONE, getting together, get married, have children, grow old and die together. That's so 60s. The retro era is over, and things are different now. Yeah, I know people do stay together, but what's the point if it's all for the wrong reasons, right?? :P

Same goes with career. Things like being good at what I am, and toiling day and night, climbing the ladder to success, getting to the top, is not something I adore. At all.

I've been hardworking enough, and good at what I do, that everything becomes repetitive, and I know when enough is enough. I'm not really a person who'd be contented with what I have. And where I am.

I always seek to improve and be better. I always seek for the greener pastures, and more meaningful way of living my life.

Now, that's a cycle that I have been subjecting myself to all my life.

And so, life goes on.

I've gotta start packing my stuffs up and start finding a new place for myself. I have to move out by the 28th Feb 2010, and it may seem far away, but it'll come and go before you know it.

I'm gonna graduate in end Jan 2010, and still undecided if I should pursue further. Got lotsa things to consider, like time, school fees and all. But for now, I'll have time to fully focus in not only graduating but to try and top my class. I hope so.

Work wise, it's been a pleasure to have a life after army. Went out to venture in the F&B sector, and I'm loving it. From being a server in Bellini Grande, to starting out as trainee manager in Sakura, and a supervisor in WaveHouse Sentosa, albeit in short period of time, I'm grateful for all the things that I have learned and all those memories will go with me wherever I decide to work at. Will spend the next 5 days serving notice at WaveHouse and then move on.

From here on, my journey will take a different turn. An unconventional turn, which I hope will bear fruit. Whether or not it'll be successful, I'm not really bothered. But I gotta do what I set myself out to do.

My definition of being successful, and finding happiness, is in a total remaking and re-evaluation of what keeps me ticking. And so, it'll be the challenge.

Life is a journey, and staying in the same bus is never gonna do for me.

Oh well, for what it matters, life is taking everyone for a ride. But I'm not gonna sit down and let it bring to wherever it wants to.

That said, I've gotta go and catch the next bus now, so have a wonderful day to all, wherever you are, whatever you are doing.

Cheerios!!!

The Beauty Of Life....

2009-10-29T00:11:00.004+08:00

The other day, as I was going to work, I realized that I haven't really been to the beach front especially when the place that I work is just by the seaside.

So, guessing I had enough time, I made a detour towards the shoreline, took off my slippers, and walked slowly along the sand where the morning waves were breaking into the shore.

It had an unexpected effect. Blending into nature made me felt calmer, and the stresses of the days before seemed to have dissolved away.

Listening to the waves and birds chirping away, looking at the clear blue sky with the sun shining down on me, feeling the wind in my face, I am faced with the beauty of nature that I had ignored for the first month since I started working @ WaveHouse.

How much I have missed the solemnity and serenity of the sea, and the calmness that it brings. For a while, I felt that I was somewhere far away from the realities of life that have been pressing down on my shoulders.

For a moment, I was thrown into the times where nothing seemed to matter at all.

For that moment, I am zen. And nothing can stop me from being whatever that I want, and going to wherever I wanna go.

Everything seemed like it's gonna fall in place. And with a renewed vigor, I spent the day feeling a whole lot better than I did for the past weeks.

Things at work seemed to have evolved into a new dimension, and a certain normalcy is coming into place, and order is slowly taking over, which is a big contrast of the cluttered mess of the start of any business.

On my way back just now, I felt a bit lost, despite being able to knock off work before closing time. And thinking about much worse can it get for me.

And the answer that came, seemed to come straight into my face without me asking.

From a distance, I saw a middle aged guy, on hand crutches, with both hands holding plastic bags filled with tissue packets. The ruckus he created, broke the moment of peace that I'm having while waiting for the bus at the interchange, and for a moment, I felt a lil annoyed.

But I glanced at him, and noticed that he's not in a good physical condition, with both legs bare of any muscles or tendon. I can only guess that it's polio.

He slowly struggled his way towards my direction, and at the same time, trying to get people around him to buy packet tissues from him at 2 bucks per packet. It may seem like daylight, or rather night, robbery.

Ignoring the nonchalant majority who seemed to avoid his path, he tried his best to peddle his packet tissues. And he stopped right beside me where the queue for the bus is at.

At first, I tried to take the same stance, and ignored him for the first 30 seconds, which seemed long enough. But compassion took over, and I turned to him, silently berating to myself and feeling ashamed of myself for treating him like an outcast, and asked to buy 2 packets of tissues from him.

His earlier face, grim and tired from dragging himself all over town, I may not be wrong to guess, turned into a happy smiling childlike person. And he seemed younger than he looked.

I wasn't trying to be nice, but then, I told myself, if I'm having it hard, I can never imagine being in his place. The least I could do is giving up 4 bucks for 2 packets of tissues.

He made small talks with me as we wait for the bus, and lamented that Singapore is a cruel place to live in where Singaporeans seemed to self-centred and selfish. I told him, not everyone is like that. He guessed wrongly that I wasn't Singaporean.

I told him that I'm Singaporean, and he seemed surprised and mentioned that kind hearted Singaporeans are hard to come by nowadays. I told him that there are plenty, and that he just have to look at the right places.

We boarded the same bus at Punggol interchange, and I wondered if I could ever survive being like that. Every step he takes seemed like a mountain of effort, dragging his whole body, a step forward at a time. Yet, he kept going on and on, pausing a bit in between.

His determination made me think and reflect upon myself, that I am able to live life whichever way I want without any restriction, yet sometimes I find excuses not to get much things done when I have to.

He alighted one stop before me, and when he did, he turned back to me, and smiled a big grin, saying thank you to me before resuming his epic of a journey home.

When I was walking home and trying to make sense of everything, I realized that I may have wasted 4 bucks on 2 packs of tissues that I may never use but for that 4 bucks, I have learned a lesson that I could never take life for granted.

That the human spirit is an something indomitable. That an act of kindness, no matter how small, goes a long way. Sometimes we get too busy with life that we forget the small things that makes the world a better place to live in.

That we forget the blessings we have. That we forget to appreciate the small things that makes life a beautiful place to live in.

And sometimes we just need a small reminder of the things that we forgot.

Tonight, when I close my eyes, I shall take a moment to appreciate the moments in life that I have been given, and no matter how bad things can get, it is in my hands to make it a better one.

Goodnight everyone. Sweet dreams!!

I Am The Author Of My Own Fate....

2009-10-27T00:14:00.006+08:00

Life, for all its beauty and poise is just as good as I make it to be.

For all the chances and misfortune, when fate deals me with a great hand or a sucky one, it's as good as how I deal with my cards.

Life, is bigger than what I thought it is. Oh well, it's a lot more.

It's more, and then it's as great as how I feel today.

And life, has begun where it ended for me.

Nothing much that's noteworthy happened this lately. Just getting busy with work, and I really mean BUSY. I hate it, but it's necessary. Oh well, let's not remind me.

I've been stuck at work for the whole month, and the last thing I wanna worry about now is work. Lemme relax, unwind and get ready for the madness tomorrow. Ahakz!!

Gonna be a helluva day and I'm looking forward to it. Bleargh!! Ya right!!

And so, life goes on, like it did for the past century. And more.

Lemme think bout it.

I realize that some things aren't gonna change the way I am. Some things in life aren't meant to evolve at all.

Like a tree rooted to the ground, it's gonna be there for ever. Chances are if things doesn't change much when there is a chance to, it never will. But my guess is as good as it gets.

I just wonder why sometimes.

Is it becoz people think nothing will change? Or is it becoz they refuse to coz they are just comfortable where they are?

I hate it when things doesn't happen the way I want to, and I work towards getting it done. And it peeves me badly when I see that others are contented with mediocrity.

I wanna be better, and I strive for it. I don't like being held back from my dreams, nor being told to slow down.

I hate it that life seemed to pass me by every time I look around, but I've gotta make the most out of it.

I'm used to being underestimated time and again, and it's a motivating factor. And I hate it if I can't give my best. I'll give the best that I can and more.

I'm tired but I'm recharged. Tomorrow is a brand new day to face a new challenge. To make things happen.

Though at times, I question myself, 'what's the point of everything?', I really can't find myself an answer, so I keep going on at it.

Life, is filled with all the scenarios I can think of and more. It's a mystery and a thriller. It's action packed and yet filled with melodramatic turns and sometimes sappy moments.

It's heartwarming and cold, not all at the same time. It can be a classic or even comedy. Hell, it could be a chick lit for all I know.

And for all the genre that my life passes through, I know that I am the author of my fate. The chances and misfortunes that comes aren't supposed to be a deciding factor in how life should be for me.

Though there are mornings that I hate waking up to, it's the morning that I have a mental block that I hate the most.

Uninspiring nights, sleepless ones, enduring the silence in my head.

I hang on, waiting for the days where full circle comes around, for something special.

I could do waiting for something special. Hell, I can wait for the rest of my life.

And like a true author would do, I will face the merciless weather that's called life, at every turn of the page, the unforgiving nature of it. And at the turn of every corner, to celebrate being alive and kicking, to savor the sweet victory for as long as the final chapter lasts.

I live. I write. I am the author of my fate, and I have decided that life, is gonna be great for me. The chapter just started and gosh, I'm not even halfway through with life.

Gone is the rain, and the sun will start rising.

The Road To Starting Anew....

2009-10-26T12:15:00.003+08:00

Starting over.

Why does it seemed like an easy route to choose but hard to tread?

It certainly ain't the easy way out. Taking that decision is hard enough. Making the journey is harder.

Moving on, ain't easy, but I guess I'm already past that stage of letting go of the past, and clearing my slate off cleanly. I'm past the stage where the past will hold me back and stop me from being myself, and more importantly, happy.

Taking that road down to a new life, seemed easy in the beginning.

Getting back to school, getting a new job, finding a new place to stay. All seemed like the road to success, but I forgot the fundamental rules that nothing good comes easy.

This past month have taught me lessons that, some I didn't know, and some I forgot.

I got a new job, and an exciting challenge. Everyday is a learning lesson for me. But it's more than just doing my job, I have to ensure that my subordinates do theirs too. That's a new learning curve, that I have to groom them and guide them. I'm trying my best, and I hate that feeling that gets to me when they keep repeating the same mistakes over again. Am I doing it the wrong way, or is it hard for them to learn something simple?

But I guess I'm being too hard on myself. Oh well, a day at a time.

And then school. I hate it that my grade's gonna take a long deep slide downward spiral. I've been missing class and being late for school due to work. I find it hard to leave my work behind and go to school, but then, I have to make a choice, coz it's never gonna be an easy one to choose. Besides, it's only coz we're busy for the grand opening, I keep telling myself.

I've got a last warning not to miss or be late for class anymore or else, risk expulsion, and I truly appreciate it. And it's highly likely that I will just get a passing grade for this module. As much as I hate it, I have to accept it.

I hate the feeling of crashing when I have flown high. Am I being too hard on myself? I mean, 4 straight As and then C? It's not acceptable to me but I'll just bite my lips and ensure that it doesn't happen again. I just hate being mediocre.

It's been quite a journey, this road to starting anew. 3 more modules to complete at school, and work will eventually settle in its own rhythm for me. I hate it but I guess it's necessary. There are others who have it harder.

With work and school, I barely have enough time for myself. Someone told me it's a matter of time management, but the thing is, what time management when I don't have enough?

Just yesterday, at the end of my work shift, I took a stroll by the beach, which is just where I work at.

I've been busy working and studying, that I forgot the beauty of life. Spent 15 minutes looking into the sea, listening to the waves and pondering to myself.

And thought of someone. Ahakz!! I barely know her but I want to know more. The first time I saw her, my heart skipped a long way, and I struggled as I try to find the last time someone ever made me feel like that.

*sigh*

Don't know what I'm feeling nervous of anyway. I want to see her again, but I don't know where to start. Ish! What if I scare her off?? Now that's scary....

Ahakz!! Oh well, I am the author of my own fate, and I'm having a mental block.

Speaking of that, I barely had time to work on Chapter Five of my novella. And it's unlike me to leave things incomplete.
Can someone please give me a 'time machine extender' or whatever it is that can make my 24 hours a day last longer...

Ooops... I gotta be careful of what I ask for. Coz I might just get it.

Okay, I want the first prize of the Singapore Sweep next month, ok!!

Lol!!

Starting anew is great, I may be biting off more than I can chew, but I guess it's better than not having anything to bite at all.

Life's great, and it's gonna get better. Soon. It will.

When Life Gives You Lemon.....

2009-10-23T09:26:00.002+08:00

When life gives you lemon, watcha gonna do with it?

Nope, it's not like me to make lemonade. That's too much of the proper thing to do, but not me. I'm more likely to squirt it into someone else eyes.

Hahaha!!

I've been bogged down with work so much this lately that I don't even have time for myself.

No time for gym, no time for movie and no time to even write.

Things are slowly getting better, but there are a hundred million stuffs that is yet to be done. I've got to squeeze in all the time I can get.

I wish I have more than 24 hours a day. I wish.

And I almost threw in the towel, raise the white flag, kick the working bucket, call it whatever you want. But I guess that was just exhaustion getting over me.

A day off, and lotsa sleep, plus an hour in the gym should do the trick in getting my thoughts and senses back in order again.

Earlier this week, I met up with an old friend who brought a friend of hers along, and it was a fun night out @ Clarke Quay. I was broke which was a good thing in a way, coz if I wasn't, I'm sure I'm gonna get pretty wasted that night and its been a darn long time since I got really wasted.

Oh well, I'm finding it hard to focus on the train of my thoughts.

Don't you just hate it? When everything is messy and cluttered. That even your mind gets scrambled.

So, I met someone, but I wonder if I'll ever have time to even start something. Work and school is already a lot on my plate. I wonder if I could set aside some time for love. Hmm..... Gotta check the schedule later.

It's not easy, but then again, nothing is. And it's the same for everyone.

I've met a lot of people this lately but nothing stirred in me. None tugged at my heartstrings.

But this one gal, may have struck a chord in mine. Hmm.... I'm waiting for her to come back from her short holiday.

I can't remember a time when it was hard for me to ask for someone's number, but I got jittery that day before she left. Ahakz!! And I don't know why I was nervous either.

Oh well... Hopefully things turn out fine.

Life have been giving me lemons, and I tried every single way to make it useful. Made lemonade, made garnishing, made condiment. How many hundred ways can you use lemons?

Now I'm contented to squirt it in someone else eyes, and run away laughing, or stay and wait.

And I've had enough of swallowing it, though I know it'll make everything else taste sweet.

Or it any case, I can just aim for someone's head and make lemon squash.

Ok, I'm getting incohorent, and groggy. Back to bed.

Good night everyone....

Broken...

2009-10-10T02:47:00.008+08:00

Time really flies... It seemed to just go by especially when you are not looking...

And this time, it hardly matter that I don't have as much time for myself. I'm working hard and I'm enjoying it.

I have a FUN team of staffs and I'm loving every moment of it. I really do! It doesn't matter that I'm spending 3/4 of my day at work. Maybe I'm just enjoying it to much that I just don't want to be anywhere else.

I guess.

That is, until the end of the day, when I get home. And struggling to get to sleep, even if I was feeling totally wasted.

Something inside me is broken, and I don't know if I can fix it.

You see, getting busy if just an escape for me. To forget what I'm feeling inside of me, to ignore the hurt.

This weekend, the house I live in, will be put up for sale. My home. A broken one.

As much as I can't wait to sell it off so that I can move on with my life, something inside me is apprehensive about it.

I don't know why, but I have been waiting for this day for the past 2 years, but now, I'm not so sure anymore.

This past week, I've been getting busy with my new job, and my dedication to it doesn't go unnoticed. I got a better position with a better pay. But it doesn't feel as fulfilling as it ought to be.

I'm not there yet, not where I wanna be, and I know I can do better and work harder. The challenges that comes along with a higher appointment is something I relish.

It's the time when I go home that I can't handle.

Today, I finished work early for the first time in 2 weeks, and met with my bestie. I've been busy and it's a breath of fresh air to finally hang out with Sani and do some catching up.

And then headed home.

And got started with the housekeeping that I need to do. Spruced up the living room and common toilet, and everything just looks brand new.

It gotta be that way for the agent is gonna bring over some prospective buyers this weekend.

I'm dead beat tired and I'm exhausted, but I must go on. I got to.

And I've got school later in the morning, yet I can't go to sleep.

I miss my lil gals even though I don't speak of them anymore, not even to myself.

I had totally put them away in the deep corners of my heart. How else can I make myself feel better?

And after this house is sold, I'll get another flat just for myself. But I doubt that it'll ever feel like a home to me.

And it cuts deep inside that I chose to put that feeling aside.

No longer will I hear their cries and the laughters. Or their muted chatters. I don't know how I'll cope or how much longer I can cope by ignoring it.

I just know how to put it aside and get busy. I find that I can't put it any other way, no matter how much I misses them. I won't let my ex think that she can ever hurt me anymore, in any other way, especially about my lil gals. I won't let her.

I don't know how I can ever say goodbye to the place I called home. It ain't gonna be the same anymore, and I don't know how to fix that broken feeling. But I know I got to.

Like a broken record that is playing over and over again, I just hope that life will get better.

It IS getting better, just that it doesn't feel as fulfilling as it ought to.

So, I get busy,and I've never been any busier in my life before. I've got work and school to keep myself occupied. And though I don't really have much time to myself anymore, I guess it helps to numb the pain.

I'm feeling broken, and I can't figure out what is it exactly. A part of me? A sum of everything? I really don't know. All I know is that life goes on, no matter what.

Sometimes I wish I could be somewhere else, but despite everything, I guess that there is nowhere else I'd rather be. Broken and all, I'm still me.

Come to think of it, everyone else is broken too albeit in other ways.

At least I know I am. I can feel it.

And someday, I'll figure out a way to fix it ;)

When You Least Expect It

2009-09-30T02:58:00.003+08:00

When you least expect it, life gives you something to look forward to.

When you least expect it, life throws you a lifeline and gives you hope.

When you least expect it, life gives you a chance to start dreaming again.

But at what cost??

Hmm.... Which leaves me wondering and pondering...

I've been spending the week trying to shake off the darn flu, and I totally hates it when I get sick. Throws everything outta window when I get sick, coz my whole routine gets shaken up and messed up.

But then, some days back, it seemed like every piece in the puzzle was falling into place, without me even trying to piece it up together.

I saw her, this unknown girl, the other day. And she smiled at me.

Feeling uneasy, I smiled back. And one thing led to another.

Before long, we were talking and getting to know each other, and it felt awkward for me. I mean, it's been months since I broke up with my last partner, and I wasn't looking at all for anything. Been busy with stuffs and all.

But then, as we spoke, I can't help but feel a bit guilty. I can't quite figure out where that feeling stemmed from.

Until this girl noticed that I still have a photo of my ex-gf and me, on my mobile phone wallpaper.

'Is that your girlfriend?' she asked.

And I told her that we had broken up months ago. And her next question made me wonder the whole night, and I still can't figure it out nor answer her.

'Do you still love her? Or miss her?'

I kept mum, not knowing where to start, or how to even put the words together. Do I? Beats the hell outta me. I seriously don't know.

I gave this girl a blank look. And a nondescript reply.

Sensing my uneasiness, she changed the direction of the conversation to something else, and I was relieved.

Numbers were exchanged, and I'm wondering if I should give it a shot.

And somehow, I still have this lingering feeling on what's my next step.

Do I take it further? Or let it drift away?

Something in me tells me that I'm not ready at all. And I don't know what it'll take for me to ever be ready.

I yearn to love another in an unrestrained way, coz that's the way I know love. Letting go and letting yourself free fall into the endless abyss of the unknown.

But then, the reality of crashing into despair is something that keeps me from doing so.

I hate living life that way, that I have to adopt a 'safety first' attitude, when I believe in 'you live only once, so just live it!'

Oh well, I guess I'll just go with the flow, like how a friend told me.

Let the wind of change lead you somewhere nice. Just make sure the sail is ready when it does.

When you least expect it, life offers you more than you can understand.

But nothing I can't handle, can I?

When you least expect it.

Hmm.... Which leaves me wondering about something else... Maybe I should stop expecting that I will strike the top Singapore Sweep prize every month.

Hopefully then, and maybe, life will throw me a little something. Ahakz!!

Cheerios!!!

Remember That Moment.....

2009-09-21T11:48:00.003+08:00

Remember that moment....

Remember that moment when we first laid our eyes on each other, thinking to ourselves, could this be the ONE.

Remember that first smile, when I introduced myself, and you looked away shyly, blushing and thinking how wonderful you felt.

Remember the first time we held hands, and we didn't want to ever let go, and grasping it tightly as much as we could.

Remember the first time we kissed, not wanting to ever stop, and feeling loved like we've never loved before.

I remember every moment. Every single one of them.

Remember the night where we're stuck in embrace and never wanting to ever wake up from the peaceful slumber. I didn't want to.

Remember the time we watched our favorite movie, 'Love Me If You Dare', and teared at the ending, hoping our love story will never ever end.

Remember the day we went mussel digging, and you asking me if I'll ever stop loving you, when we're knee deep high in the water, and I swore I won't.

Remember the days when we quarreled so bad, I thought I was gonna lose you, but made up in the end with a kiss so passionate I'll never ever kiss anyone else the same way again.

Remember the night when we went stargazing, and me wanting to name a star after you.

Remember the nights we went running, and ended up by the seaside talking all night long about life.

Remember the day when I cried in your shoulders, the day my uncle died, and you wiping the tears off me and told me that everything will be fine, that you'll always be there for me.

Remember the day we washed your bike, playing soap and ended up with a foam war.

Remember the night you cried in my car, and I held you close until you stopped, and tell you that life will get better for us.

Remember the days we spent at home, just being playful and doing up our scrapbook of our love life. I still have the page you made about me.

I can't ever forget these moments.

Remember the night we were on top on the KL Tower and using the powerful binoculars to peek into our hotel room that was 4km away.

Remember the days when it pains us to be apart that we'll be inseparable, no matter how busy any of us get.

Remember the days when I'll wake you up in the morning, not wanting you to be late for work.

Remember the nights when we would spend hours on the phone even after spending the whole day together, talking and laughing, missing you the moment we hung up.

I miss that moments, even until now.

Remember the love letter I wrote to you, and telling you I could never ever love another the same way after loving you.

Remember the night on New Year's eve, 3 months after we broke up, you surprised me by calling me to meet me and went to watch the fireworks together. That was the best birthday present ever.

And that was the last time I saw you.

I'll remember every moment and cherish them. These are the sweet moments that will always be etched in my mind.

Wish you all the best in your life and happiness in whatever you do.

Up And Down, And Up And Down.....

2009-09-17T11:38:00.002+08:00

It's kinda tiring sometimes, that life has it's up and down....

You climb up, and someone pulls you down. You climb again, and then you slipped and fall. And at times, you wonder if it's worth the climb, over and over again.

There are times, that I would just down sit and look up, knowing well that the view from the top is definitely better than the one below. And I resume my climb up again.

And there are times, that I'm just contented to take a breather and stay put.

But no matter how much I try, I know I can never stay put at one place for too long. It gets monotonous.

Life has been a topsy turvy trip for me. And there are days I wished I wasn't born in this world, but then, I would not give away any of the experience I had for anything else.

It would be unfair to always wanting the 'high' of life, and refusing the 'low' of it. You can't have it anyway, no matter how.

So, I'll find that little spark in the darkness when I'm there, and basks in the brilliant sunshine when the sun comes out for me.

Life's unfair, I accept that. But I don't have to accept that mine will be unjust.

It's the little things that makes my day.

And I got a call, from my prospective employer asking me to start working on Oct 1st. Well, I knew I would get the job, but I was just anxious to hear the news on my first day.

And now, I'm elated, that I feel like jumping for the sky. I'll enjoy this feeling for as long as it lasts, and bracing the down, hanging on when it dissipates away.

Now I can have a proper countdown to that.

Up and down, and up and down.

Let me enjoy being up here before you bring me down again aight. Just for a moment.

Life Goes On.... But It Ain't The Same...

2009-09-16T16:37:00.004+08:00

Yesterday, I went to visit Along at SGH. For the first time since she was transferred there, I got to see her, twice in a week. And we barely see each other much. I barely see my siblings, with everyone busy with their own lives, work and family.

It seemed like a transient stage where everyone sees everyone else everyday. Well, that was when before any of my siblings got married.

Yesterday, was like the good old times.

But we had a mission yesterday. To see if any one of her 3 siblings could salvage her situation. To supply the bone marrow that could cure her from the incurable.

I got there 15 mins off the scheduled time, and my elder bro, the one before me, was even later. He got an earful from my 2nd brother. Ahakz!!!

We paid a visit to Along while waiting for her doctor to come back from lunch and draw our blood for the necessary tests.

The mood was light, and everything seemed fine.

But when my Along asked me to be a 'witness' to her estate, in the eventual circumstance that she doesn't make it past this illness, I just can't help but feel a tinge sombre about the whole thing.

I can never get used to dealing with the bureaucracies of death. My late dad passed away during the fasting month in 1986, my grandma during Aidilfitri of 1996. And I still miss her very much.

And it lasts as long as until I had signed the witness portion. The whole family was there. My mom, elder sis, bro-in-law, 2nd bro, 3rd bro, and me, the youngest.

We spoke about family stuffs, bout how my life is going on, bout what the rest is currently up to. Bout lotsa things.

Oh yeah, I made my peace with my bro-in-law, and he told me that I'm welcomed to go back to the Toa Payoh flat whenever I want to and need to. At least things seemed good now.

So, now I had my work cut out on where to stay in between selling my current place and finding a new flat. All my stuffs are still there, with some stuffs in Punggol.

And so, after the doctor had came back from lunch, we took turns, and I was last.

The first two needles couldn't find their way to my veins, and though it seemed painful, with the doctor prodding a needle to and fro trying in vain to draw blood from me, I kept my cool and shrugs.

I thought, this is nothing compared to the pain my sis is going through. And after four tries, they finally manage to fill up the mandatory 3 test tubes full of blood.

Now we have to wait 3 weeks before the results come out. Now we wait for 3 weeks to see if my sis have a fighting chance to overcome this adversity in her life.

Then in the end, everyone had to make their move, back to their lives. But not before planning the itineraries for this weekend.

Aidilfitri. Something that I had stopped celebrating since 5 years ago.

But family tradition comes first, no matter what my religious allegiance is. I'll respect it for as long as my mum is still alive.

And it'll last for one short simple day, and then I'm off to my life again.

And then in the evening, I texted my ex and told her about my late dad and my sis. That this illness seemed hereditary, and that she should know, just in case.

I got a pathetic "Thanks for your concern. Dead or alive, life still goes on."

Which makes me almost losing my head for her tactless and insensitive comment. What a douchebag!! I don't wish it upon her, but if it were to happen, then I'll send a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolate and send a 'Congratulations!!' card.

So, life goes on, and it's never gonna be the same again.

But whatever it is, I'm bracing myself for the worst, and hoping for the best.

In the meanwhile, for 3 weeks, I'll be crossing my fingers and hoping that there is a blood match for my dearest Kak Long. Doesn't have to be me, just as long as there's a match.

Hopefully. By the way, thanks for the kind wishes that I got from some of my friends, and offers to help. I really appreciate the kind thoughts and prayers.

Thank you very nice ;)

Life, Nothing Short Of Surprises And Adversity....

2009-09-09T16:03:00.002+08:00

It's been a topsy turvy year indeed. Life, nothing short of surprises and adversities. And now, I'm in a state where I'm just floating through.

Wondering how I'm coping, but writing is just another way to excise this suckiness that I'm feeling.

Early this month, I had took on a new job, only to receive a better job offer after I started, and without hesitation, accepted the other job, I'm due to start end of the month. Wish me luck. It's gonna be the next coolest place in Singapore, and I really mean it. Check this space to updates.

On the other hand, my elder sis, Kak Long (we affectionately kol her Along in our family) was admitted to hospital last week. She didn't let anyone including mum knows until she was almost in there for a week. Such is the way she is, coz she didn't want to worry any of us, mum especially. News eventually came through that she had been feeling unwell for quite some time.

I made a point to visit Along, the same time my mom was going to, knowing that I'm able to kill two birds with one stone. I terribly miss mum and everyone's busy with their own lives.

So, it was last Sat that I dropped by Tan Tock Seng to visit my sis, and spent some time with mum too.

Nothing was clear yet on her diagnosis. Along said doctors were running some tests and couldn't decide what exactly was wrong with her. She remained jovial and upbeat. She's been through worst things in life, so I wasn't really worried for her and wished her to get well soon. She also mentioned something along the line of getting transferred to Singapore General Hospital coz they need to run further tests and TTSH didn't have the equipments. "Why didn't they just transfer the tests over?', I wondered.

And so, I went about my week, spent Sat nite almost crying alone, watching 'The Time Traveler's Wife'. I really couldn't help it but I manage to hold back the emotions, almost barely (yeah, I can hear the sniggers aight!! Bluek!!). But then, at the end of the movie, I almost lost it, when I could hear audibly loud sobbings, especially from the ladies. Hmm.... I wondered if the guys were moved at all. I wondered.

And then, Sun nite, after watching the guys from Stretford FC playing a friendly at CCK, I met up with the bunch of guys from Bellini for a movie. There was Lila, Shaz and her hubby, Zali and Rian. Went to catch G-Force. And it is really FUNNY!! Ahakz!! Made my Sunday so much better. Headed straight for home after.

Monday. The first day of the week. That's the thing about Mondays. It's supposed to set the tone for the rest of the week, and chances are, if your Monday sucks, so will every other day. Just my thought.

My Monday started out fine. Woke up and went to workout at the Sengkang gym, went home to rest before heading for school. Everything was going on fine.

Fine. Until I received a text from mum.

"Along already transferred to SGH. And the doctors found out what's wrong with her. It's leukemia, same like your late dad," the text reads.

I was walking from the City Hall train station to school at National Library, and my whole world seemed to break down and crumble. I was struggling to keep my composure. And my tears back. And I didn't know Ayah had leukemia, only that he died of heart failure when I was 6.

I could imagine Along in the doctors room, with her husband, holding hands, and my mum looking on. Bracing themselves, with the doctor's grim faced, wondering how their patients will take to the news that they have been struck by something unimaginable. Just like cancer, leukemia can really suck the life out of you.

I can imagine her hugging my bro-in-law tightly and sobbing, while my mum looks on, and wondering if she's gonna lose another child before she herself passed on, and my sis asking the doctors about the odds of beating this faceless monster. I have had an elder brother, Azhari who passed away long before any of the rest of the siblings were born, and I wondered if my mum would have to go through the same misery.

I was truly shaken. I thought she'd just have caught some unknown virus that no antibiotic can't take care of. I thought wrong. And like any other whom had suffered the same fate, I asked myself, why her?

And I can never imagine how hard it is for her, as much as it is hard for me to accept it.

My mum just quit her job to help take care of Along while she's in the hospital, waiting for her first chemo, and I'm feeling the pain that she's gonna face.

And I spoke to Along last night, and she told me to read up more on Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL), and explain to my other 2 elder brother on the illness.

I spent the whole day yesterday wondering and tried to shake off the feeling by going swimming. But it remains. Even gym just now, doesn't make it go away.

Just then, my elder brother called me, and told me that the doctors would like to meet all my sister's siblings, and do some tests. One option is a bone marrow transplant, or something like that. But they have to find a match for the blood before going through that option.

So, the date have been set. 15th Sep 2009. SGH.

I'm praying for the day to come soon enough. It's painful for me to see anyone going through this kind of agony, and it's even more when it's your own family that is going through it.

And due to her being in isolation ward, she can only accept limited visitors.

She's strong, and she'll make it through. She'll beat this thing. I keep telling myself that. And I refuse to think of the worst.

Let us all offer my Along a prayer and wish her well in this journey. It is just beginning, but I hope she'll make it through.

Goodbye My Lover......

2009-09-05T07:31:00.003+08:00

I truly hate 2009..... I can't wait for it to be over.

But then, I gotta love 2009 for the same reason that I hate it.

Today, Angel will depart for home. And I'll never see her again. Maybe.

That's life.

You look around, finding that one person who would complete you, that one person who'd make your life meaningful, and then they get taken away, or in this case, they had to go away.

This year have truly been the most heartbreaking for me. In so many different ways. And it's almost making me lose my verve for life and love. I'm almost at my tethering ends.

But I also know that there's so much to hold on to. And that this moment won't last forever. Maybe tomorrow, I'll find someone, maybe not.

Maybe she'll come back and look for me, maybe not.

But one thing for sure is, that I'm going to miss her terribly.

Her sms-es in the morning, and at the end of the day. Something that I look forward to. Even if it's just a simple, 'I'm hm frm wrk. tk cr n gdnyt k. luv u. muackz!!!'

It seemed like forever when it lasted, and suddenly, it's over.

I'll never forget that moment under the stars, near the Merlion.

Where we had our first kiss, which took me by suprise.

'If I could freeze a moment to my mind, it'll be the second that you touched your lips to mine......'(Christian Bautista 'The Way You Look At Me)

And it'll be the memory that will always be etched to the back of my head.

I'll remember the late night suppers, us sharing your favourite fishball soup noodles. And you feeding me and laughing at me when the soup trickled down my chin.

I'll never forget your sweet and melodic voice. And I'll always remember the nights when you sang to me sappy love songs that makes me feel like the luckiest guy in the world.

I'll never forget your smile, the one that brightens up my day. I'll never forget the day that you cheered me on when I had my weekend soccer game. I even scored and dedicated a goal for you, which you pretended not to see and teased me bout it.

I won't forget that soft touch of yours, putting my hair back in place, even though it's supposed to be messy the way I styled it.

All I'm gonna have is great memories of you, and our photo in my wallet that I find terribly hard to remove. It seemed to stick to the wallet and I can't get it out. Alright, I didn't want to take it out.

So, as you make your way home 2391 km away from here, I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

Someone ever said, 'The good times will end someday....' And I feel like strangling him for saying that. But that's the truth of life. And the painful fact.

So, I'll take a moment and reminisce our beautiful memories, and be glad that I had that.

I was happy that we met, and it'll take some forgetting.

So, goodbye my lover, my lovely Angel. Someday, may God cross our path again. And hopefully, if we don't, may you have a beautiful and wonderful life ahead.

Thank you, I love you. Goodbye.

Happy 4th Birthday, dearest Lily Ardini Roy Fazli

2009-09-04T14:05:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday, Lily!!!

I'm trying hard to find the right words to say to wish one of the two loveliest gal in my life. I'm really lost for words. Really.

I've been thinking and pondering for the last few hours.

I know, I think a lot. Sorry.

Well, it's been 4 years since you were born. *I'm gonna start crying, darn!!*

I remember the day I held you in my hands. My precious lil angel.

4 years ago to this day, the most beautiful gal was born. I swear I'm not saying this just becoz you were my lil gal, but you are. Touch my heart and feel it beating in excitement just thinking bout it.

You were this lovely lil lass, full of bountiful energy and life.

I watched you grow, intermitently, though. I've seen you bloomed from a dear lil bubbly baby to the pwincess that you are now. I can never imagine having someone like you. Never.

Lemme recall the day when your mummy was just 6 weeks pregnant with you. You almost became nothing. Mummy woke up having severe pains, and started bleeding heavily, and we had to rush her to the hospital.

We nearly lost you. Nearly. Your mummy had this near miss of a 'forced miscarriage'. I was so anxious that I couldnt eat nor function normally. She had to be sedated and confined to the bed for 3 days. And for the 3 days, I was praying hard that nothing bad would happen to you. And thankfully, your mummy got better, and you were safe.

Then, 6 months later, we got into a bike accident, your mummy and me. Was heading to send your mummy to work on a rainy Mon morning, and your mummy was late. I had to ride fast and nearly rammed into a taxi who had abruptly braked, and I skidded the bike trying to avoid the taxi and skidded from the first lane to the third. I lost control and we were flung off.

If not for the kind soul who managed to brake his bike to block off the incoming traffic when we were skidding, your mummy and you would had been crushed by the oncoming cars.

I was truly grateful, but it wasn't over. An ambulance came and rushed your mummy to KK hospital, and your mummy went into 'forced labour'. For 6 agonising hours. You nearly came out premature. 6 months.

It was only in the late evening after your mummy condition had stabilised that I went to CGH to consult treatment for my bleeding arm and leg.

The most important thing is, your mummy and you are fine.

Since you were born, you light up my life with your incessant chattering and accent (I'm still trying to figure out where you got that). And you smile brightens up my life and makes everything alright.

For every year, we manage to celebrate your birthday. I remembered buying you a small cute cupcake for your 2nd, and we just had a simple celebration at home, just you, and your mummy and me.

Last year, we went to Swensens' to celebrate, and you were suprised when you had lotsa beatiful cupcakes for your birthday celebration at school.

And it ends there.

I'm sorry I can't be there for your birthday this year, and maybe for many years to come. I'm truly sorry. And I apologise.

Since 2 months ago, your mummy had you and your lil sis calling the other guy 'daddy' and it truly hurts. I can never describe the pain that I feel. But I also know that it's not your fault at all.

How would you know? You are just kids. You would never know the gravity of the pain you inflicted on me, no matter how innocently they are meant.

Like just now morning, when I 'psstt' at you when you came out from the room ahead of your mummy, you lil sis and the other guy.

You came to me, at the same time checking the blind spot for your mummy. And you said, 'Daddy, why are you at my home? You got no home? Never mind, you can stay here, ok.'

I cried silently, hearing that from you, and when I offered to give you a hug and kiss wanting to wish you 'Happy birthday', you came forward, only to retract back your steps and move away when you heard your mummy and the other guy coming out. And you walked away, leaving me wondering, will you ever know how much your daddy misses you and your lil sis.

From this day onwards, I may not be present in your life as much as I would want to. But I promise that I will write to you and baby, every year on your birthday.

Happy birthday, Lily. May you be blessed with happiness and health. I would never ask for anything more than for you to grow up to be a responsible and sensible adult. This road to life is long and winding, and I wish I could be there more than you see me, but I hope you'll learn to understand this when you grow up.

But I will promise you this. One fine day, when you come looking for me, you know I'll be waiting for you with open arms and have you in my life. I will never turn you away, and I'll be there for you when you need me. I wished I could be there to guide you and lead you through the threacherous path of life, but I know, you will turn out as a fine, beautiful and cultured lady.

I have always guessed right about my lil gals, even your mummy would admit to that.

When she was pregnant with you, we would often talk about how you would turn out, and I guess that's a daddy's instinct. You're this lively lil angel with a heart of gold and a soul so beautiful, I just soar in the sky thinking of you.

I missed you, Lily. I will always do.

Happy birthday, my lovely lil angel. My Lily Ardini.

One By One....

2009-08-31T11:36:00.003+08:00

One by one....

I keep telling myself over and over again....

I have this habit of trying to take on things, all at once.

Like during soccer yesterday, when my teammate keep insisting on taking on every defender, and bashing through like a soldier charging at nothing in particular. He had that purpose, but he was left flailing in vain at every attempt.

When it was my turn, I took on things one at a time. Beat one defender, look around, make the pass, ask for the ball back, beat another defender, and look at the goal, and then finally, shoots.

Then things makes sense.

One by one.

I've been putting myself through so much this month, I can hardly wait for August to end.

Hopefully September will be better.

Well, I start work tomorrow, and I'm as excited as a puppy, and as nervous as a expectant dad.

This said, I'm not a puppy, and no longer a dad. Someone feels that she have ultimate right over the lil gals, and 'revoked' my right as a dad and appoints someone else.

'I gave birth to them, and I rightly so have more right than you', so I was told. And it'll never ever end. So I had to make the painful decision to walk away. It's heartbreaking but I have a lot to lose by making the lil ones be in the middle of it all. Maybe one day, things will happen and knock some sense into their mom. But knowing her, I guess it'll take a whole lifetime. 'Fight back for their custody', my family members will tell me.

But whats the point? I don't want to deny them of a mom's love. Neither will I deny them, should they come back to me one day, when they're grown up, which will be one happy day in my life. The last thing I want is my lil angels to remember me as a bitter person who holds grudges to their mom. And the buck stops here.

From this day onwards, I shall not think about this anymore, and move on. She'll be happier to see me suffer, and I intend to make her pissed by being more successful in life than she think I can ever be.

One by one.

Hard decision made, and then, it's a matter of waiting. For the fresh start. Hopefully things will go on well with my new job. I'm always hopeful no matter how bleak things are.

And then, we'll see what happens.

I'm having exams later in the evening, and I'm mad at myself, coz I think I'm lagging behind.

From A to A-, I'll slap myself if I get a B for this module. But I guess it'll be a wake up kick in the ass for me to start studying harder. I'll have to put my head in the right place for this one. Hopefully I won't have any more distractions until I finish in end Jan 2010.

And so, a month break off work, and I had a great weekend. Man Utd won, and nothing makes me happier than to see them bag the points for the league.

One by one.

I'm giving up smoking, something hard, considering that it's something I do to relieve my stress. I'm cutting down a lot on the drinking. It does no good to me physical self, and I've been getting the 'big belly' comments, and I totally hate the notion of having a beer gut at the prime age of 24.... err.... ok, 28....

I'm planning to start working out, and hopefully my body is able to recover properly, a process which seemed to be slowing down nowadays. Is it age catching up with me or the lifestyle I had before??

One by one.

So, I have made the wise decision to quit the nightlife, and to a more decent job, though the hours might seem long. I don't mind clocking the hours now, for I know I have a lot to catch up on, being in the darn army for the last 10 years.

And I know I'll get to where I'm heading to. One day at a time.

It's a drag sometimes, I know. But then, what's life without the pain and glory?

One by one.

Life's Hard....And So Am I....

2009-08-28T13:24:00.003+08:00

Life's a bitch.... So are the people around me sometimes...

But then,I'm too tired to care anymore.

With the pending court date to settle the house looming in early Oct, I can't hardly wait for this moment to be over. And then I can start plotting my next move.

Get my own place, and move on. Away from my ex and my lil angels.

I have decided. And I will walk away, and I will live.

Maybe some will say I'm heartless, but it beats being sad for everyday of my life. And I have always wanted nothing but happiness for everyone else around me,so why deny myself that same thing?

A new job in 4 days, a diploma in hand in 5 months, and a new place I can call my own in maybe, hopefully, 7 months.

Timeline of my life.

Life's been hard to me. But then, I don't think its only me. I'm guessing that others had it pretty worse than I am. So, I'm grateful in that sense.

And however tough the going gets, I'll keep on striving, and hoping for a better life.

I'm looking forward to the new job. My 4th job in 13 years of working life. Ahakz!! Don't get mistaken, I had to endure 10 long excruciating years in the army. And I feel like the happiest guy now after I've left. Can't hardly wait to start my traineeship in management. So I'm officially a PMET now?? I guess...

Looking forward to graduating from UNLV, and maybe I'll carry on with the BSc in Hospitality. Well, that is if I'm able to get a scholarship. Tuition fees nowadays can be a killer. You study hard to get a qualification, and that one piece of paper is the equivalent to a Subaru Impreza, or maybe two. Ahakz!! But I really want to. While its no guarantee, having a degree in hand may smoothen the climb to the top, and I have set a ground to reach at in 5 yrs time.

Looking forward to having my own place. MY OWN. Where the only rules to adhere to are MY rules, which is a simple one-liner.

Rule No 1 - Do whatever I want to, whenever I feel like it.

I'm just looking forward to be able to furnish it the way I've always wanted. A living room with all my needs. A kitchen where I can cook, a mini bar with all sorta liquids and beverages. A bedroom where I can enjoy and really sleep when I need to. A haven that I can come back to.

Imagine that after a long day at work, I can come back, have a beer, and enjoy a round of Pro Evolution Soccer on my PS3, that's playing on a 40" LCD TV, sitting on my soft La-Z boy couch, before falling asleep on my low strung Queen size waterbed. That's something I can hardly wait to look forward to *drools*

As compared to the pathetic living arrangement that I'm having now, it'll be a blast when I finally get MY OWN place.

This lately, just been recollecting my thoughts and adjusting myself. Mentally prepping myself for next week. And things will fall into place, I reckon. If they don't, a bit if nudge will make em do. Ahakz!!

So, the weekends are here, and I wish everyone a great happy weekend filled with fun and excitement!!

I'm sure mine will be ;)

Cheerios!!!

Free! Buy One Get One Free!!

2009-08-25T16:02:00.003+08:00

Last weekend, my best friend was shorthanded on staff, for a last minute sales assignment at Singapore Expo, and he roped me in to help out. I couldn't refuse him, being the best-est friend in my whole life.

So, I agreed and I extremely enjoyed every moment of it.

He had the place set up on Fri, and I joined him on Fri evening. The task was to sell 120 cartons of premium chips, and some 80-odd portable fridge. In 3 days.

I came over late after my visit to my granny's grave with my god-mom. Offered a few prayers and confided recent events to my Grandma on my mom's side. Felt a certain relief, but extremely missing her afterward.

So, there I am at the Sg Expo, with another guy and Sani.

The assignment, 'Buy 1 get 1 free' seemed easy to pull off, but the Fri night crowd seemed tame by usual standards. And slow. I wonder if it'll ever start picking up.

So, we hustled and there were few takers. And then, tired of waiting, we upped the ante, by offering more 'free' premiums in the form of caps, cushion, grocery carry bag and bottled drinks.

And gosh!! The queue started to form up slowly. We Singaporeans, can never resist the offer of anything 'free'.

Friday ended up quite slow. By the end of the day, we had over 90 cartons left.

After work, me and Sani headed for some drinks. And we found a new hangout place at Punggol Marina Country Club.

Serene, peaceful and quiet. Just the way I like it. Away from the hustle and bustle of city life. I guess at times like this, I really needed the serenity, and I'm grateful for my bestie who'd drive me home after.

So, Sat was another day, and boy, it was a great one.

We continued the same sales pitch and actually offered more freebies in order to nudge these people to clear the stock. And it worked!!

By the end of the day, we had only 20-odd cartons and 18 portable fridges left. And we set the target of trying to sell out everything by 5pm the next day, even though the fair ended at 10pm.

Had an early night and woke up Sun morning feeling very refreshed.

Joined the ManUtdSg guys for the regular kickabout that I have missed for the last few months due to work at Bellini. I thoroughly enjoyed the sweat out session, and had loads of fun with everyone. Scored some goals, and saw some beautiful ones. And made a promise to myself to make it a regular lifestyle fixture. I was totally knackered after the kickabout sessions. But it was worth the effort.

After that, I went home for a quick shower and head off to Sg Expo.

When I arrived, the sales was dismal, and sensing that it could fall flat, I quickly set up the freebies counter that we had cleared the night before.

And before I knew it, the sales picked up steam and headed for success. Ahakz!!

I got there at 2pm and by 5pm, I'm down to the last few packets of chips. Ecstatic!!!

So, before I knew it, the day was over at 5.30pm, after everyone had redeemed their freebies. All gone!! 120 cartons of chips and 80-odds portable fridge!!! All of it!!

We packed up and then headed to our new haunt.

Then, for a change, we went up to the 2nd level, instead of the usual ground level where we would hang out at 'Hot Stone'.

Had a few drinks, and sang our lungs out like moronic rock stars!! Ahakz!! Moronic maybe, rock stars no!! Lol!!

So, that's the weekend gone by......

Had my hair dyed black on Mon, in preparation for new job on Sep 1st. I can hardly wait to start, and excited.

And looking forward for next year. This year has been a topsy turvy one, and the most heartbreaking. But I'm determined to leave it all behind.

A fresh start is what I look forward to, and as heartbroken as I am now, I'm more determined to make life work for me. You can pin me down no matter how hard, but I'll still pick myself up and bounce back from the conundrum that you forced me through.

Here's to life. Cheers!!!

Countdown To Farewell...

2009-08-20T11:46:00.002+08:00

16 more days...

In 16 days, my last love will return to her hometown, far away from here.

And would that spell the end of our story?

I don't know.

Will I ever see her again?

I don't know either.

And last love? Yes, coz my ability to love again doesn't seem like it existed anymore. That my heart have lost it's natural capacity to love, to live and to care.

The departure of Angel will also mean the demise of the guy I am when I'm with her.

This road is long, tiring and arduous. This demon in me is making me believe that God is a very busy person, or He simply cease to exist. It's going to be a tough fight to the bitter end, and I'm not sure who'll emerge bruised but victorious.

Things happening, one after another. I'm not sure how to cope, or how I even cope with all this.

I used to ask for His Guidance, but then, I simply gave up asking, and instead, now I ask Him, 'What else? Bring it on!!' coz I don't care anymore.

My first love (yeah, we're still friends and she's engaged, so don't get the wrong idea) asked the other day, on my faith. And I know she meant well. She gave me some good advice, and it's good to know that someone still cared.

But like I said to her, it's my battle to fight, and though it seemed like a losing one for now, it's my inner demon that I have to put to sleep, though that seemed an insurmountable task for me now, I will keep on trying.

I cope. By writing out my thoughts, expressing it through words. By crying alone when no one's looking. By having a pint of ice cold beer. By taking long drawn breathes on the potentially lung damaging processed minty tobacco. By staring into the open spaces of infinity. By feeling the sea breeze in my face. By staying awake well into the wee morning. By long walks to nowhere at all.

I don't know how, but I'm coping. Well or not, it's something subjective. But for how long, I wonder.

I've been hanging on hard. One after another. Life's up and down.

And now, the impending departure. I'm trying not to even remember. But the words, 'Can we start all over again?', can't stop its auto playback in my ear, with it's unlimited memory space.

*sigh* I'm not into long distance relationship, been there before and the outcome will be hurt and pain at the end of it all. But what if this one won't?

Shouldn't I give it a shot? And remain hopeful? There are rules, and then there are exception. Will mine be an exception?

*squirm* I truly don't know.

Promise < Action = Happiness

Promise > Action = Disappointment

So, I'd rather remain on even grounds for now. Too much on my plate, and I'm not a glutton to gobble it all up.

16 more days.... What can I do?

Life's A Rollercoaster Ride

2009-08-19T09:32:00.003+08:00

Life is a ride for sure.

And if someone had told me that when I was growing up, maybe I'll secretly make a pact with the Devil to just send me to Neverland so I live my whole life pissing Peter Pan off his pants.

This past week, have been a struggle with reality and I'm suprised at the stuff that I'm made of. No kidding. But given the chance, I wouldn't have want to go through this, and I would never wish this upon anyone either.

I've traversed between monotony, to landing in the dumps, to having a minor elation, and then back into confusion. It's really wearing me off. I'm tired, but I'm not willing to stop. I've got to go on, and walk through this tunnel of life whether I like it or not.

And after that sh!tty day that I totally lost my bearings, and patience, I sat down and gathered my thoughts, re-grouping and re-strategising my choice and options. There is a lot that I've set out to do.

But then, the ex-wifey find it prudent to halt my progress, and take her time doing what that should have been done months ago. She'll realize that her dilly dallyance will cost her more than ever expect.

Couple this up with the way she's educating my lil angels, that she find it sensible to confuse the lil ones, to who their dad is.

When they eventually grow up, and when they get married, they will still have to come to me. Not that I'm in agreement with some archaic requirement, but that's the fact.

In the meanwhile, applications are open for 'Mummy Long Hair' to counter the misinformation. I don't think this is right, and two wrongs certainly doesn't add up nicely. But.... *sigh*

Imagine, 'Hi gals!! This is 'Mummy Long Hair'. Daddy Short Hair's new girlfriend. So, where is Mummy Short Hair and Daddy Long Hair. Busy making ugly siblings for the both of you??'

That doesn't quite make the cut actually. Steven Spielberg will roast any budding scriptwriter who dares sneak in that cheesy lines in any soapy drama.

So, welcome everyone.... this is what we call, 'the blended family'. The nuclear family has started going extinct, and the blended family is the new way of life.

And so, I decided to find another job, and after few round of interviews, I actually got one, which have no reservations to allow me to attend school, even willing to gimme the leeway. And I'm truly grateful. And it pays better than the last one I had.

And I actually had a few more interviews lined up afterwards, and had to sheepishly explain myself for my non-presence, when they came calling me on my mobile. Ahakz!!

At the end of the day, had some times spent with my best friend, Sani. And weighing my legal options to what happened the day before.

That the flashing of handcuff/revolver is abuse of authority. Especially when the bf is in the house on a personal capacity. Being an undercover officer in the CNB is an arduous job, but then what gave him the right to do that at all?? Can anyone advise me?

I was in shorts and singlet, and I had a pillow. I'm unarmed and outnumbered. And I take it as a threat to my personal safety. So, what's my options?

And then proceeded to fetch the lil gals from school.

Lily had fever, and Azelya having some kind of bowel problems.

But I'm fine with it.

We got home, and as I lay down in between them when they were drinking their milk, I can't help but feel morose about the situation.

I asked Lily, "What if you don't see me anymore, Lily? Will you miss me?"

She turned to me weakly, looked at me, and without even flinching, "Daddy, I miss you so much already. Where are you going? You don't want to see me anymore? You are my daddy you know."

I had to turn away my face and not let her see me sob silently at her reply. She just came closer and hugged me harder. And then, I find that the dam of tears just broke, and there is no way that I can stop it.

We screw up our lives, and the ex-wifey with her penchant for vengeance, doesn't help at all.

And at the end of it all, these are the innocent lives that have to come in between.

I find it sad that at such a young age, they had to learn how to deal with this. It saddens me to no end that when they are with me alone, how unreserved and happy they can be.

But when the ex-wifey is around, their behavior changed. Like threading on thin ice. And when they had to lie to please their mom, I realize that this will never end. First loyalty is always to the mother, and I understand that.

And the dad's love, seemed puny and meaningless at the end of it all. These are my lil angels, the ones that stole my heart away the day the were born. The fact that their mom is a scheming B&*th will never make me love them less.

But then, the fact that she's trying to make them love me less is also a reality that I have to start coming to terms with.

This is one roller coaster ride that I will have gladly avoid had I seen the warning signs. They have that in amusement parks. And though it comes with a disclaimer, at least you're informed.

But life doesn't come with warning signs nor disclaimers. It comes with 'At your own risk' without telling you exactly what's the risk.

Well, I would have gladly got off, but oh well, I'm on it anyway, so I'll enjoy the ride while it lasts.

And with every turn, I wait with trepidation, and hopes and expectations, readying to scream my sore throat out, and laughing out loud at every bumps and turns.

Here we go again, so let's hold on.

By the way, it's not a bottomless pit, and I've found my way up. So thank you very nice.

What A Day....

2009-08-18T02:47:00.002+08:00

What a bloody day.... Shitty and all... But in the end, I guess I can still smile at the absurdity of it all.

I can laugh until the cow come farting at your face when you're deep asleep. Seriously....

Finally, I get you to sit down and talk. But you had to bring down your elder brother, younger brother and bf?? WTFH!!

Ahakz!!

It's very incredulous, you know that. You expected to be talk to nicely and gently. But I did exactly that and you totally ignored me, so don't blame me for any of your sh!t that I spilled out. You asked for it, seriously.

By the way, thinking about your empty threat to call the IMH?? Gives me a right laugh... Watcha gonna say? I lost my mind and trashed my own house? Please come up with something better. What kind of sh!t is that?? I was hospitalised becoz I was depressed, not crazy.

But I bet you were crazy. It's very nice to see you play the dame in distress, while you spout all the past which has totally got nothing to do with what is happening. Hmm....

I have been more than tolerant, and reasonable. So, don't gimme that bull about me being the irresponsible dad. It's convenient how you try hard to turn the tables on me. How you make me look like the badass.

*sigh* I've kept my silence on a lot of things. Seriously.

You totally ignored the OB marker, and I kept a blind eye to it. You really played hardball today. And I say, game on!!

But eventually, I have brains to think. If you think, I'll be a right bastard to let you become homeless, then you're wrong. That is why I insisted for you to get your lawyers to do up the necessary paperwork. Get the house sold properly and it gives you time to get your own flat.

And ouh, I WILL never forget that classic standby pose that your bf took when I bashed the pillow. Ahakz!! It's a f&*king pillow for God's sake. Oh well, seeing him reach out for his handcuff/revolver, makes me wonder what gave him the right to do that anyway. Seriously. I was unarmed, but agitated yes. But well, I guess common sense takes precedent, and I'm not as stupid as that.

But I guess that takes the cake. What?? You gonna restrain me for whacking the pillow?? And charge me with?? Pillow assault??

You're the one who had me outnumbered, like the last time YOUR mom came to my mom's place with the whole gang bang she-bang, and verbally assaulted my mom and left her in heaps of tears, and she doesn't even know what the hell is going on.

OMFG!! It just tickles the itch of me bollocks!!

Mother and daughter, same old modus operandi. Well, I say, some things will never change.

*sigh*

You missed a lot of the bloody point anyway. You want to move on with your life, and I wanna move on with mine. So, ain't it easy for you to get things done and over with. Get the house sold and you don't have see my face anymore? But then, why delay the whole thing?

The way I see it, you asked for it. And please, I beg you. I'll kiss your feet begging you if need be. The next time you wanna 'bombard' me, please come up with something new. It just bores the tears and death of me listening to the same old story. Seriously.

Things doesn't have to be this way, so I'm still seriously puzzled. What kind of misinformation have you been fed with, I don't know, and I have ceased to care along time ago.

So, there you are, throwing your bitch fit, and declaring that it's 10 times better than mine. LOL!! Like I care??

Well, I have more up my sleeves if you wanna start playing hardball.

Be nice. Be kind. Coz I certainly have been more than that to you.

But then, if you decide that you wanna drag this stupid game, I tell you that I'll take on what you wanna give.

And oh, by the way, didya see the look on your brother's face when I spilled that you were actually screwing his married friend whose wife was pregnant?

PRICELESS!!

Why Can't Things Get Done??!

2009-08-17T15:25:00.002+08:00

I'm at the tip of the iceberg where all the pent up anger keeps hidden underwater.

And all I ask for is for you to sit down with me and talk. Discuss about the status of the house and when things are gonna get done. You can go on with your life for all I care, but not if I'm stuck!!

And I've tolerated with too much things that is going on.

I'm the OWNER of the flat you're in, don't forget that but somehow, you successfully made me feel like a f&*king squatter, which I am not gonna accept any further. If I remember correctly, I paid more for the house, and my name is first in the owners' list.

Since you refuse to communicate with me in any way, I shall lay down the ground rules for you to follow. Ignore at your own wilful thinking if you think I don't mean a single darn word.

First, please tell your friend that she have a month to find another place. It seemed rather weird that a house owner had to bunk in the living room without any privacy, and your friend have the comfort of a room which no rent is collected for. This is nothing personal, and I don't wanna name names. But enough is enough. One month from now, if she doesn't move, I'll personally remove any property that does not belong here, even if it means having to spend the whole f&*king day to clear them.

Two, the master bedroom is a privilege that I have released for the comfort of my 2 lil angels, for them to have a good night rest in the comfort of a big huge bed. But since you decided that your newfound love of your life have the right to sleepover as much as he wants to, whenever he want to, I'm revoking that privilege with IMMEDIATE effect. And since the gals aren't around during weekends, the use of the master bedroom will be on a first come first serve basis.

So, if I'm busy cavorting and fornicating in the said room, please sleep in the living room. You can sleep on the sidewalk for all I care. Or maybe for once, go back to his place instead. Or there's a couple of budget hotels nearby within a 10 km range. I can recommend some good ones if you want.

Third, the house is still MY house, and if your bf wants to come over, make sure you open the f&*king door. I don't remember him being a tenant in this house, and I will call the authorities and cite trespassing the next time he opens the door with the keys that you gave. He's in the Force, so he should know better.

This is just the beginning, and I've been trying for days for you to sit down and talk with me. And for a starter, I've trashed the master bedroom, but with some restraint. If I were to go all out, then you might as well move out of the f&*king property. So, don't accuse me of not being nice.

You just crossed the boundaries of what I can accept. Being as liberal as I am, I have kept quiet for most times. But since you find it prudent to delay the sale of the house, then I shall take measures for you to start getting things done.

Don't even think of changing the damn lock, or throw my things out, coz I can definitely do better than you. And for the last time, can you remind your lil angels, that for as long as I'm breathing, I'm still their Daddy.

Why would you confuse them with this, I can only guess. But 'Daddy or Daddy Long Hair' just doesn't make the cut at all or am I missing something??!

They are only kids and they know nothing, but if you find it prudent to tell them the difference between their REAL daddy, and STEP-daddy, maybe they will understand in 15 years time.

So, I'm done for today, and rules are subject to change as I wish. You can negotiate, but then, terms and conditions apply.

Or you can go back to your lawyers, and get things filed up nicely for the sale of this f&*king house. Coz that's the FUCKING thing that I've been waiting for you to do.

Telling me you don't have time is shite. You certainly have time to snuggle all day long like hamsters in the room, or get things done for Hari Raya?? OMFG!!! Are you f&*king kidding me.

I'm at my tethering ends now. So, provoke me at your own risks. I have some tricks up my sleeve, just in case you forget.

I'm Loving It!!

2009-08-13T11:45:00.000+08:00

It is a complex thing, this life.

The simpler you want things, the complicated it gets, and you wonder how you even get there sometimes.

Like, 'See this simple thing? I turned me head away for a second, and suddenly, it's become something so complicated, I'd rather do rocket science.'

Evolution at its best. Life evolves, sometimes at a pace you'd never understand.

Life's like that, like this and all.

Lemme ponder on that while I ponder on how mine's turned out.

Back in the days when things are as simple as ABC, my only wish was, to lead a simple life, with a complete family, a secure job, and living it with that special someone whom I'll share my whole life with, and have adventures together while we're at it.

That was then. It would never cross my mind, how complicated that is. A simple life.

Somewhere along the road, someone changed the storyline, and a simple life became the most complicated thing ever.

Nothing seemed to be enough. Nothing seemed like it should be. And I'm as broken as broken will ever be.

I hate it that I'm not able to be truly free anymore. Freedom. Love was meant to set me free, yet it's the same exact thing that is holding me back from a lot of thing. Pardon me, but something somehow got to me, and I can't understand why.

I'm feeling sedated and reclusive. I feel the adventure coming. I feel that I can get through anything, that I can accomplish everything I want in life. I'm feeling energetic, and optimistic. And somehow, at the end of the day, not having anyone to share it with, is the suckiest feeling ever to be created by the human heart.

Everyone needs a lil loving.

But then human heart is a complicated lil thing. Complex, complicated, conniving sometimes. At times, crap. It's the same with me, no kidding.

So what do we do? Carry on in search of the elusive one? Or stick with the same old sh!t, knowing it's gonna be nothing but the same old sh!t?

I'm single by choice, and sometimes it sucks, I admit. But then it beats being in a relationship where you suck your big thumb (or toe??! wth!!) and hope for the best, when there's better option out there. Fear rules. Fear of change? Of the unknown? Of the same old sh!t??

I fear being alone. I seriously do. And hell, did I really make myself go through hell and back by submitting myself to self imposed solitary sometimes. I think it may have made me a lil bonkers. But it also made me stronger.

But it's something I'll endure, appreciatively, than the incessant nitpicking of a naggy girlfriend, the unending excessive finger pointing of the self righteous partner, the utter lost of respect in form of verbal sparring when everything else doesn't seem to work.

I've been in a passionate relationship before, and trust me, I know the need to sometimes argue and quarrel in excess, and let off that steam that's been building up in crescendo, of which that same particular energy get transformed into excessive passionate and burning desire to want each other the same, if not more. That is love.

But to reach to the point where you no longer confide in each other, where the first thing you do in the morning, and the last thing you do at night, is hate each other's presence, abhor the unseemingly imperfection that have been there since eternity, that is where the love is lost.

Lost. Gone. Dissolved.

And life starts all over again. And again. And again.

And now, I need a break. I'm taking a break. Gimme a break. I'm waiting for that big break. Whichever way it is, it is.

It is tiring, life is. But I'm wanting it more than ever. And again.

I'm loving it no matter how tough it can get sometimes. And I'm hopeful, that someday, I'll be looking back at this and say to myself, "I came a long way yeah....". Someday.

And so, I leave with a thought for everyone to ponder.

'What's the meaning of life?'. Nothing, actually.

But 'what's the meaning of MY life?'

Well, it's everything!! And I love it!!!

I Got Kidnapped By Aliens!!!! Help!!!

2009-08-04T00:53:00.002+08:00

I think I really need help....

I think I got kidnapped by aliens. Really. Seriously....

What else could have happened?!

Lemme recap my night yesterday.

Sunday is a pretty boring day to be working. If only the Singapore government would make it illegal to work on Sunday, then this country would be the best ever.

So I clocked out of work around 11pm last night, and dropped by Bier Valley for a jug of beer. I swore that was the plan. Drop by, have a jug and head home.

Then I made some new friends there who invited me to their table and share their bottle of Chivas. Ok, so I was to kind to refuse. It's only Chivas anyway. Made small talks, sang some songs, and planned to head home after. I swear!!

Then my new friends invited me to join em at the Living Room, another offer I couldn't seem to refuse. And so, we headed to Living Room at the Marriott.

And this new friend ordered 2 bottles of Belvedere. I was too merry to refuse. Ahakz!! Had the pleasant suprise of bumping into vivalicious Lyn. Ahakz!! Totally unexpected but pleasant nonetheless. And paid a visit to Fiza at Firefly.

And then my memory of the days stops there.

This is where I think I got kidnapped by aliens. Seriously.

I think I got kidnapped somewhere after I got out of Living Room, and then they must have concealed me in their invisible Unidentified Flying Object. It's outrageous!!

I think I was subjected to all kinds of probe and analysis and tests and all. And then, they erased my memory. Thank God I didn't get sodomised or something, coz my rear end feels fine. I'd hunt em and kill em if they did. Damn aliens!!

Kidnapping and subjecting me to all those tests and making me a guinea pig is fine actually.

But dumping me in front of Shaw MacDonald's is not!! Bloody hell!!

The next thing I remember was being accosted from a lying prone position to standing posture by 4 kind but mean looking policemen. It was bright daylight!! And a quick check on my pocket watch shows the time at 9am. 3 hours after I left Living Room.

Quick interrogation and status check by the police, and me accidentally smacking the bum of the most senior one there (I swore that if he konk me on the head with the baton, I truly deserved it.... Ahakz!!!), I was let go with a warning to get a cab and get home.

I tried to mention being kidnapped by aliens, but everytime I wanted to say the words, my mouth seemed to shut tight. Damn!! They really got to me.

Who can I report this to? What's the Singapore equivalent to NASA? Or FBI?

The aliens erased 3 hours of my memory, which I think was me screaming my heads off, when I was subjected to all sort of tests. Or maybe, I was forced into fornication with their female race, in order to make an alien-human cross breed. OMG!! I hope the little ones won't come back hunting for me. I don't even remember what they looked like.

Ahakz!!! My whole head was spinning when I got up just now and I tried hard to recall what happened in that 3 hours but in vain.

I think I should set up a group, for those who got kidnapped by aliens. I'm sure there's a lot of people out here in Singapore who's been kidnapped before, and lost their memory. We should rally against this kinda things.

And yeah, to the darn aliens, if you're reading this, next time please dump me at a better place, like Shangri La or something. Being unceremoniously dumped in public like that ain't nice, especially after you kidnapped me. Thanks and good night!! ;)

Life In A Nutshell.... No, Make It Nutcase....

2009-08-01T14:12:00.003+08:00

Life is always the way it have always been....

The ups, and downs, and don't forget the monotonous straight line...

Joy and road to discovery. Sorrow and disappointments. Same old same old. Different day, same shit. Same day, different shit.

Life is everything, and what it has to offer, I'm gonna take it all in. I won't refuse to partake the hopelessness that it sometimes bring. And I will embrace the suprises and the uprising of self discovery. I can't choose whom loves me, but I can choose who deserves mine.

In the past week, I've got wasted more than I ever got wasted in past years. It's bad, but I guess it's just another platform for me to vent my frustration. Some turn to drugs, or maybe food. For me, getting drunk is an option. An option I chose over any other avenues.

The bottle is my best friend, or rather the bartenders at Le Noir. It seemed joyful to see them showoff their skills and technique at flairing the bottles and shaker. I'm amazed and would love to try something at home, until it dawned upon me that my-ex wife will scream her head off upon discovering broken glasses and bottles on the floor of my kitchen, and me grinning like a lil boy who is always up to no good *grins* Hmm.... Could that be grounds for eviction? Well, it is my house too after all. Ahakz!!

It's amazing how the bartenders defy the laws of gravity and fling bottles like hot dog buns and catching it with their teeth. No, really!! I'm kidding. Yes.

It's more amazing how I manage to find my way home. The night before I was at Arena, had 3 jugs of Tiger at Mama's, then something like 10 screwdrivers? and more mugs of Tiger at Arena? I wonder.

And that night at Le Noir, I became the customer every bartender loves, or hate? I don't know. Some loves the challenges of having to make me something that would suprise me. Like Felix. Darn good one Absolut Heaven he gave me. And oh, Faris, the cute dude who made me something fabulous, which he refused to share but delighted me anyway when he told me it's on the house. For all I know he could have made me a milkshake, and I'll still drool.

And others who seemed perturbed when I asked for a glass of something special. Do I look like the doctor who worked at the Sperm Bank? 'Hey gimme a Screaming Orgasm. But not before a shot of Fornication. Ok, ok, you can have a Hand Job'. I don't know. Lol!!

After 1 piña colada, 1 absolut heaven, 2 pint Tiger, 2 Bartender special, 1 Graveyard, 1 Ice Breaker, 1 Godfather, 1 Godchild, 5 Screwdriver and 1 Nasty Bitch, I made my way home. I suprised myself that I didn't puke anything out. I'm also astonished that I made it home.

The next day, I made an undertaking to myself that the drinking binges will stop. It nearly did. Well, I only had 2 juggies of Tiger, I swear!

And then things came to a crescendo, when all the pent up anger, frustration, disappointment spilled over.

Saw my Angel. I actually avoided making eye contact. But she came over to me anyway, not saying a word, and gave a a hug so tight, I wished she wouldn't ever let go. And she cried.

And that is when I started to feel all fucked up.

This emotion, which I have no words for, is frustrating me even more. No way to describe it. I haven't seen anyone, not seriously anyway, since we broke up months ago. And I swear that I'm over her.

At least I thought I am.

And then, not saying much, she said she was sorry and that she really missed me. I stood not saying a word. And then, I walked away.

Just like that.

And this pain, the self inflicted one, is unbearably searingly painful. And I really needed someone. And my itchy hand texted the Elusive one. Now, don't get confused. Angel is my ex, the Elusive one is the one who got away, or rather wasn't even near at all. But she was near alright.

'I need a shoulder to cry on. Badly'

And then, she was there. And I used her shoulder to weep like a kid who just got nothing else to do, but get himself hurt over and over again. It's been years since I had the cheek to wet anyone's shoulder, but last night, I just couldn't take it anymore. All the booze can never make me stop feeling the way I did. Been a long time since I cried so bad I felt good afterwards. So good I had to brush off the silly thought of sneaking a kiss, and turn the tables on myself. *smirks* Plus it would be so wrong, coz she deserves better than me making her a rebounding board.

And then, she had to go back to her life. But I'm thankful for that precious few moments. Thank you, Elusive.

I've made a resolution, everyone seemed to need one nowadays yeah, resolutions, I mean. And I know it may be another resolution made in vain, along with a hundred millions other resolution that is made today that goes down the drain. That and the billions more that the whole world made on New Years day.

It's life. In a nutcase that I can't get out of. Spare me a nutcracker anyone?

I resolve not to drink today. Oh. Yeah, I really don't want to. But I already had some Bailey's moment before typing all these nonsense out.

Does that count??!

Sometimes, You Can't Stop Wondering.....

2009-07-29T15:51:00.003+08:00

Oh.... How I really wanna straggle that fella.... Who? The guy who played the song on air just now... Around noon....

Oh wait... Was it the radio?! Darn!! Who's the deejay huh??

Ahakz!! Ok... Nvm...

Lemme tell a quick story on my day.

Woke up just now morning as per normal. Got the lil brats ready for school and then, I'm home alone, as usual. Then lunch plans with Zee was cancelled coz her mom cooked a sumptuous 'ayam masak merah' for lunch which she couldn't refuse. Ahakz! Waiting for her to send some over.

Then I decided to go grocery shopping at Giant's Tampines. Oh well.... Got enough stuff for myself that I need for a month. Maybe... Ahakz!!

Bought pasta here and there, the varieties. Bought herbs and spices. Bought some ribeye, to experiment on the marinating this weekend. Bought some drinks. Bought lotsa stuffs. I tink I almost burst the bank. Maybe.

And yeah, I forgot one detail. I bought so much I forgot that I'll be the only lugging everything back home. Ahakz!! Bugger!!

Everything was going on swell. Until just before I leave the building.

Over the speakers, I heard the song 'Way Back Into Love'.

This is a cover version

And it just stopped me in my tracks.

I stood the alone. Letting the feeling sink in, and thought to myself. Oh gosh! I miss her.... I miss D....

We went to see the movie 'Music and Lyrics' and thought that it was a so-so movie, but the music made up for it.

I stood there for a good 4 minutes, letting all the reminiscent of memory flood my thinking box. It's been years, 2 years actually. Last I saw her was on my birthday this year, I consider one of the best gift I ever had (I don't get much birthday present btw, I totally hate celebrating it). And then, she was gone again.

And it made me wonder, how she is doing now. If I calculate right, her engagement was last week or so. Oh well. The past should stay right where it belong. I'm happy with life now.

And so, I regain total control of my emotions when flashback of how things end came to mind. Ahakz!! There's a reason why I left in the first place, why I ended things.

I guess that's me. I will indulge in the wonderful moment of wondering how things could be, and make myself come back to reality by realizing how things ended.

I miss her... Wait... Lemme re-phrase that.

I missed her. Past tense.

Well, gotta get ready for dinner with my 'sister' that I haven't met for 11 years later. Hope everything will turn out fine ;)

Cheerios!!

Nothing Can Hurt Me..... I Thought So....

2009-07-21T09:30:00.004+08:00

I've been through so much that I thought, 'Nothing can bring me down. Nothing can hurt me anymore.'

I thought I've had it all, that nothing and nobody (darn song!! damn catchy tune keep playing over and over again in my head) can make me feel like curling up in bed and just staying there all day.

I've been heartbroken beyond salvage, though most of it through self-inflicted damage, that I threw in the towel coz I didn't think the relationship could move forward nor develop the way I expected it to. That my expectation couldn't match theirs. That somehow they wanted more than I can ever offer. Well, everyone wants to get married nowadays. Everyone but me.

'Nobody, nobody but you.... Nobody, nobody but you....'

Darn Wonder Girls... I can't get it outta my head.

I mean, it's normal, and I've been through every way my heart could ache. At least I thought so.

And yesterday, I'm introduced to a new kind of heartache. The one that I never thought existed. The one I've never felt before but now when I think about, hurts the most than anything else.

You see, Lily my first daughter have this problem of waking up in the morning. I usually will get the gals ready for school in the morning. And Lily always have excuses not to wake up, and she's always the first to turn in every night. And sleep is never enough for her.

And I'll have this impossible task to wake her up from her sleep, and she would remain as still as possible, not moving a muscle, no matter how much I gently or roughly try to wake her up from her sleep.

And then, in despair, I would complain to my ex-wifey, who would then just pinch her, and she would wake up in a crying fit.

Yesterday though, she did wake up, but refused to get up from the bed. No matter how I try to cajole her, she would not get up. So out of frustration, I said, 'Lily, get ready on your own. I'm not gonna help you,' and walked out of the room.

My ex would then berate her for not wanting to get ready for school.

What Lily did yesterday was something that broke me into pieces. Maybe I was being OVER-sensitive, I dunno. Or maybe I'm just going through so much that its hurts to hear such remarks. Granted, she's only 4, I understand but I just can't help but break down when I heard her said that.

"Daddy!! Why you tell mummy I don't want to wake up? Hmmph!! I don't like you. I don't want you to come back here anymore...." she said to me after she found me in the living room with me still fuming at her for her inability to wake up like Azelya can.

'Nobody, nobody but you! Nobody, nobody but you!'

Darn darn Wonder Girls....

I could hear the cracks crackling in me. And I can't help but feel hurt. And I really tried hard to hold back, but the dam burst and I just can't hold it back.

It hurts more than anything else. More than when I found out my ex-gf cheated on me with someone else. That was nothing.

This, was the ultimate heartache.

Naturally, I ignored her, and she was stranded coz she wasn't ready for school. The ex-wifey was fuming coz she was running late for work and I refused to get Lily ready. Tantrums was thrown, I was on strike. She grudgingly came to mumble, 'Sorry daddy...' Still wondering what she did to make me react that way.

And eventually, I relented, and grudgingly got Lily ready for school, with Lily behaving like nothing ever happened. And I know, she may not understand the gravity of the words that came out from her mouth. She didn't know.

Yes, I over-reacted. I didn't know why I was so emo. I'm not normally like this, or am I?

Maybe the fact that when we finally sell out the flat, my ex-wifey and the gals would find a place of their own, with their new 'daddy' played a part in my over-reaction. Maybe the fact that I won't see much of them made me emotional. But it's something inevitable, but I just can't help but cry over it.

'Nobody, nobody but you. Nobody, nobody but you!'

Yeah, nobody but me can make myself feel this way. Darn Wonder Girls. Can someone turn off the radio?!!

The ex-wifey was shaking her head at the absurdity of it all. Father and daughter, head to head in a showdown that only one will win. The daughter, of course.

And then, last night, after I came back from school, I came into the room where the gals were already asleep. I sat at the edge of the bed, and took Lily's hand into mine.

I think to myself, 'She's really growing fast, and I'm gonna miss the bulk of it.'

I held her hand and thought of the day I became a father, the day she was born, and it seemed like yesterday that I held her in my arms, feeling like the luckiest guy on Earth, to be blessed with the most beautiful lil gal. I guess all daddies feels that way.

'Nobody, nobody but you. Nobody, nobody but you!'

Maybe it's only me, who felt like that.

In her sleep, she seemed to grab back tightly when I said I'll always love her. That I forgive her for what happened in the morning. That I'm gonna miss her and Azelya when we move out and go separate ways in a couple of months.

I will miss them, and I am missing them now. More than anything else in the world. As I kiss them goodnight, I said, 'I love you' in my whisper. And promised them that I would never let anything hurt them, and do whatever that is mortally required for me to prevent the inevitable. I can't be there all the time, but I just want them to know that I want to.

As I take a last glance before I leave them for the night, I can't help but wonder if I'm able to cope with not having them around when the time eventually comes.

But for yesterday, I found out a new heartache, but then, they will always be my lil gals. And I will always love them, no matter what.

'Nobody, nobody but you. Nobody, nobody but you!'

Yes, nobody but them. No one will take my heart the way they already had when I held them in my arms just minutes after thay were born. Now can someone turn off the radio??!

No matter how many times they'll hurt me in future, I will always love them.

Unconditionally, always.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

2009-07-20T11:45:00.002+08:00

I'm hanging on. 'Keep your grip on life, Roy,' I keep telling myself.

That's the only way I can go on. I've had a relapse before, and I'm at risk of having one again.

'Hang on there, Roy. Things are gonna get better. Things will get better.' I hear myself.

Life have offered me more than I've ever expected. Some unwelcoming, and some, I asked for, and rightly deserved it. But then, I've been through everything in life, that nothing can kill me. Well, almost did a couple of instances back then.

But I'm still here, alive and kicking, and sometimes cursing. But I've managed to hang on in there.

How much can an individual's mental state take the changes in life, before breaking down into pieces at the inevitability of it all?

I've had the highs of getting married, having my own place, being a dad, getting promoted at work, owning a bike and car, basically having everything that I've asked for. And the lows of, getting divorced, being separated from my kids for a period of 6 months, dealing with the bureaucracies of everything, going back and forth to syariah and family court, moving out of my home and bunking in my siblings' place.

And career transition, leaving the army where I've spent 10 long fulfilling years, and the joy of being able to do something that I really enjoy doing.

Imagine all that in 5 years. I've submitted myself to abuse and abused myself in every way possible. Mental, verbal, psychological. How much change can I possibly subject myself to?

Well, current state ain't something I'm proud to be in. Dead broke and barely able to feed myself, let alone give my ex-wifey enough for the kids' maintenance. And studying, yes! I'm back in school taking my Dip in F&B Management. I'll graduate in Feb next year. Hopefully so.

Just converted from full time employment to part time, which translate to even lower income.

'Hang on there, Roy.' I keep telling myself.

The way I look at it, I could abandon school and get a full time employment, without much prospect of advancing, well there is, but not at a pace I expect it to be, especially with the kind of effort I put in.

Maybe the more effort you put in may not necessary correlate with more recognition, but I guess it doesn't hurt anyone that I work hard.

Or, I could suffer for the next 7 months, barely having enough for anything, and once I graduate, move on to bigger and better things. Hopefully.

'Hang on there, Roy.' I keep hearing myself.

It's not easy, but then I realize, how about the others? Those who are really struggling with life, more worse of that me. Not having the opportunity that I'm carving out for myself. How about those who really won't have a way out, ever?

Then I realize that I'm lucky. For whatever that I've been through, that I've put myself in, I'm still lucky in so many ways. I still have a way out.

And I'm not gonna squander it all. I've got enough grit, and perseverance. Just praying for that bit of luck.

'Hang in there, Roy.' I can't stop telling myself.

I'm winking at the future and smiling at my past. I'm not proud to have gone through what I did, but I can't change nor turn back time. I can alter whatever happens tomorrow though. And I'm just looking forward to looking back again and feeling glad that I didn't give up. Not this time, not ever again.

'Hang on there, Roy. It's only a matter of time' I hear myself over and over again.

There's light at the end of the tunnel, and it's getting nearer. No matter what, I'll be reaching it, and going for it incessantly, never losing hope.

'Keep on going, Roy. Keep on moving.'

The light at the end of the tunnel. I'm getting there, and it just excites me. I may not find what I want, but the thing is I just want to get the f&*k out of this dark quandary.

'That's it, Roy. You know you can do it, you know you can'

And so, life goes on. And I'm still here.

I am here. And soon, I'll get there.

It's only a matter of time.

Sleepless In Singapore

2009-07-17T11:03:00.002+08:00

Sleepless in Singapore....

Sleep less...

Sleep...

Nowadays, I find it hard to close my eyes and sleep no matter how tired I am. At times, I would stay awake until 6am. On a good day, I'll be in slumberland by 4am.

But the darn thing is, I would be awake by 9am, and then I would find it impossible to go back to sleep.

And quite frustrating so, coz in the day I would feel restless and feel like I could doze off any moment, even when I'm standing. But when I lay on the mattress at night, my eyes remain wide open.

Normally, I would spend it nights awake on Facebook, playing Poker, or watch movies online. There was even a period of time I spent whole nights without sleeping watching CSI and Heroes series until I'm done with every episode that I've missed.

I'm perturbed at the sleepless night, that it got to the point that I wouldn't be able to sleep unless I get that shot of gin, or vodka. No, make it at least 5 shots. Only then would I feel that I'm relaxed enough to go into a deep sleep.

And so, it was during this restless nights that came upon an idea to me to write a novel. But then, I thought, a novel would take ages to finish. How long would it take for me to come up with an 80,000-160,000 words? Ahakz!! And I'm not sure if I got the temerity to finish it once I've started.

So, I decided that a novella would be a more realistic idea. 20,000 words shouldn't be a problem. Ahakz!! Hence the novella 'My Lovely Angel'.

And in any case, the main character, Alfie, have got nothing to do with me. I just could think of any names that wouldn't turn out sounding cheesy. Ahakz!! And Angel, in the book, have got nothing to do with Angel, my ex-gf.

The whole plot is totally fiction. And borne out of my mind. I'm cranking my head to come up with something, and out of nowhere I already have 3 chapters. I just posted Chapter One yesterday on Facebook.

I don't know how good it is, nor if anyone bothered to even really read it. Ahakz!! But I've got a few comments, and hoping I could work on the constructive side.

Coz eventually, if I manage to complete this first novella of mine, it's more of a way for me to do something as a past time to my sleepless nights. I'm just an aspiring writer. Aspire.

Btw, I think I'll open another page for my novella, and link it to my blog. And all comments are welcomed, positives or negatives. I don't want a sugar coated candy given if you think what I wrote is crap. I'm open to honest and constructive comments.

Neither am I gonna be defensive in any, coz I don't see any reason why I would be put in that position. Ahakz!!

Whatever it is, if it's crap, and bullsh!t, it's my writing. Not me. Like I always say, 'No, you don't hate me. You only hate the way things are going....'

What Is The Opposite Of Writer's Block?

2009-07-14T11:42:00.004+08:00

My head is spinning. The words are overflowing here and there and everywhere. I mean it. I'm literally flowing with all the thoughts that I can't get out of. I have so much to say, and so much in my mind. I don't really talk much, and writing is a way for me to express myself.

Express myself.

Something I have difficulties in doing nowadays. I keep to myself most times. And I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing. Oh well....

These few days been pretty much a drag. I'm trying hard to stay afloat in the current economic climate. And keeping myself cooped at home is a surefire way to save money. Lots of it. And I wonder, how much is there to save, when I barely have any to spend. Haha!

I just became a Billionaire.... At least on Facebook, I am. Be A Tycoon, something that can never happen in this lifetime. Maybe not even next. Not even if I sold my soul to the Devil. I don't think he can afford it anyway. Lol! He's pretty much still having problems covering the overheads to upkeep Hell.

But I guess he won't be having much staffing problems. I mean, whether he hires or not, there are always new employees that would be arriving to pay their debt in Hell. Ahakz!! I wonder how much is mine. Damn, it's gonna be a helluva hot summer.

School is great, I'm enjoying every bit of it. And thinking of taking up the Bsc in Hospitality after my Dip, if only I can afford it. Hmm, wonder if the Devil can help out? Nah... The interest rate will kill me over and over again. Dang!!

As usual, life is as what it'll always be. Of what, I'm still having problems figuring it out. Work, is becoming a peripheral part of my life. I barely earn enough, and still trying to find a second source of income. Anyone got ideas? And I wish I could earn something just by writing.

Hell yeah. Writing. Too bad... I wonder if I can get paid, anyone got any idea if any papers or magazine needs a columnist? Ahakz!! Well, I could do with writing a column every week at 5cents per word?? Haha.... Lemme see... That would be a cool $100 for a 2000 words column... Hmm.....

But what should I write about? I'm guessing that no one wants to read about some army sergeant turned server turned writer adventure? Ahakz!! That's boring. For all I know, readers would hang themselves of boredom before they even finish the first paragraph. Can anyone even be bothered? Ahakz!!

I could write for FHM, or Maxim. Or even Her World? Hmm.... Should I? Could I? I could write about the idiosyncracies of relationships. Have someone got there yet? Or Sex-less in the City? Wait, I think that one's taken too... Darn...

Gimme some ideas to pitch. How bout the games people play? Mind games, sex games, whatever that rocks whoever's boat. Damn, now I'm having a writers' block but I just can't stop typing.

Incessant talking in my head. Trying to keep it down is not easy. Wanking sometimes help. SOMETIMES. Muahahaha!!

Or a drink or two. Or a ciggy here and there.

This lately, life seemed to move by in a cinematic motion. I observe a lot and do little. The ex-wifey and me, barely talk anymore. It's frustrating to be berated for a situation I totally have no control over. And I abhor it. Totally. And I've been tolerant beyond reasonable expectation.

I have a private space called my own. And it gets under my skin should that space of mine is invaded by entities that does not belong. I'm nice, super nice. And I hate to see that monster in me rear its ugly head should I deem that things are overboard. I can crush and destroy a universe with my bare hands. I just don't want it happening.

Ouch....

Ok, forgive me if the last two paragraph got a bit too dark. I just gotta get it outta my system.

I don't get it sometimes. Wait.... Make it most times. I mind my own business, and I barely bother anyone.

Never mind me. For now, life seemed to be put on hold. At least until I graduate from school. And then, everything starts over again. For now, I'm still trying hard to cope with school and work. Yeah, work. The only thing I seemed to revel in. But then again, it's also a disappointment. *sigh*

Then again, sometimes life sucks. Well, to think of it, whose doesn't? Every now and then. Ahakz!! This is the suck-iest of the suck period in my life. Well, I guess I'll just have to suck it up and live it. *sucking like a vacuum* ahakz!!

By the way, through all of this, I still have this urge to keep on going and typing. I guess it's time to go back to the novel(which I'm halfway through Chapter 3).

But in the meanwhile, can someone tell me, what's the opposite of writer's block?

These Are The Days I Can Do Without....

2009-07-13T13:00:00.002+08:00

These are the days, I wish could just be whisked away in distant time capsule.

These are the days, I wished I was somewhere faraway in a distant island where no one would bother me.

These are the days, I wished I could just buy a one way ticket to nowhere and never come back.

These are the days, I wished upon the stars to take me to the dark skies and seek peace amongst the fallen ones.

These are the thing I disbelieve in these days

It seemed like the sunshine is hiding behind the gloomy clouds. Like the stars hidden in the cloudy nights. Like the glimpse of hope staying elusive for me. Like Lady Luck refusing to give me the kiss of fortune.

I seek myself when I'm lost, and I seek something that seemed to only be found when I'm no longer finding.

Like when you need to find some toilet paper and sees an empty roll on the floor, with someone scrawling 'Haha!! I've got the last piece, sucka!!'

Remind me to flush all of it down the next time I visit any public toilet. And a marker to jot down the pitiful message to the next pitiful SOB with an irritable bowel syndrome. Ahakz!!

Even in my misery, I can laugh at myself, but I wonder when can I find that bit of fortune in my poverty. I totally hate it, but then I never forget that the things I value the most in life costs nothing.

Like 'free love'. Nope, I'm not a hippie. Not yet, I think. Maybe. And nothing cost nothing like 'free love'. Ok, maybe free toilet paper cost nothing too, but don't forget to check before you sit down on that deceiving toilet bowl inside that forsaken cubicle. Haha!!

Enuff bout that. Let's move on to something else more mundane. Like me getting myself wasted for everyday in the past week. I'm either high or pissed drunk by the end of the day, and I hate the feeling I get in the morning, so I drink more to get it away. And I feel worse off when the 'high' wears off.

No, I'm not alcoholic. Just melancholic. Ahakz!!

And then, back to the issue of missing someone from my past. That's not a first. Lol! Sometimes I reminisce and start wondering why everything went broken in the first place. Everything was so fine. Like fine salt in a packaged box. It's a dangerous path to thread on, I know. And when that happens, I try to recall why, in the first place, we broke up. It takes longer sometimes, knowing how raw emotions can get clouded when you miss someone that badly.

And then, it struck me like a coconut dropping on my precious balls when I was sun-tanning under that bloody darn coconut tree. Metahorically la. Ahakz!! And all that vision of the rose tinted happy memories, goes berserk, like a CD player gone scratched. Ahakz!!

It could be the time I got slapped for nothing in public just becoz we didn't agree to always agree with HER opinion, or the time where I got sucker-punched in my torso for looking straight ahead when a lady dripping hot with 'hotness' crossed my line of sight. There was also a time where I got stumped in bewilderment when out of Pluto, a fist came flying to my temple as I was just rubbing that dust out of my eyes when a known ex gal pal came over to say hi. I mean, 'what the hell was that??' Ahakz!!

And suddenly, these days ain't so bad after all. I'm enjoying it, I guess. Very much. I may not be nowhere near to finding my soulmate, but I'm nowhere near to the psychotic girls either. Ahakz!!

So, these are the days I can live without... I hate it so damn much. At least I'm still breathing, and moving, and drinking... Haha... Hmm, wonder how much Bombay Sapphire I still have.... Oh well...

These are the days I can live without, I really can't. Well, at least until I get my shot of Bombay Sapphire.... Muahahaha!! ;)

What You Need, You Can't Have....

2009-07-07T11:35:00.002+08:00

What you need, you can't have.

What you want, well.... It's subjective ain't it?

I spent the whole week in a daze, and in a mental state of equilibrium. I don't know why, can't figure out why. I just hate the inactivity in my mind, and my heart.

As much as life is full of suprises, it is also full of sh!t.

I'm dead end broke, and I can't figure out when my pay is coming in. Apparently.... *sigh* I got nothing much to say, but this kinda thing are what they technically call the 'deal breaker'. I'll just keep my peace and keep on being myself.

Weekends doesn't normally feel like what they used to be.

It seemed like the sky is getting bleaker, and the short break that I planned seemed like it's never gonna come. I badly need one. Even a short getaway will do, but then with work (now as part-timer) and school (mon, wed & sat), it seemed like a pipe dream.

I'm extremely exhausted, mentally. Physically, I feel like running a marathon every other day. But it's the thinking that is stretching me to the max. Thinking about school. Thinking about work. About my future, my career path. About what's working and what's not.

Sometimes, I think, that I think too much. Then I feel like I haven't done enough. I'm so deep in thought, sometimes I struggle to breathe. I gotta start being shallow, I really have to.

What I need, I know I can't have. Don't ask why, I don't know either.

But what I want..... Geez.....

Sometimes, it's easier to just get it over done and with, but WTH, let me think bout it first ok.... ;)

Missing The Elusive One....

2009-07-03T09:36:00.002+08:00

Woke up and feeling a tinge of sadness.

Is that how I'm supposed to feel? I've got my medication, but it doesn't seem to help when I'm thinking. Do I think too much?

Change is around the corner, but I seemed to be traveling in a straight path. I know the road leads somewhere, but it's a long lonely path. It's hard but biting my tongue as I go actually helps to make me feel better.

No longer have I missed anyone as intensely as I used to. Except maybe for a certain forbidden fruit. Forbidden as it may seem, but when I think about it, why should I even care?

I've never felt the need to conform and adjust to society's need. Not in a way that would be detrimental to myself nor to others. I've always broken barriers wherever I go, whatever I do. And bridging the boundaries that binds.

Why must it be an apple anyway??!

And it may seem forbidden, but I realize that I smile a bit more when she's near me, that I secretly wish she would run away with me. That no matter how much I try to be indifferent to her presence, I feel her absence when I don't see her. It's hard to contain the growing fondness in me. And I've tried not to think about it.

As complicating as life always are, it's a thin line where I'm threading upon. She's wrong when she said she suspects that she's just gonna be the subject of the week which shall be forgotten once a more interesting species comes along. She's becoming more than that.

Chase hard, die trying!! Hahaha!!

I'm not gonna start to be a persistent person, never was and never will be. Coz persistence ain't a virtue. To me, it's a liability.

But I know I'm patient. And I know that change takes time. And I have time to afford.

I'm not gonna rush into things. I'm not the best, and I don't expect people to come gift-wrapped and nicely packaged. I do know that I've gotta step up and be better than anyone who came before me. And I'm just waiting for that chance.

One chance to set my life in the right path, one chance to make it all better. One chance to show you that I'm not that hopeless at all.

Well, I guess I'll take things slow, even if she doesn't realize this. It's not what you have, or don't. It's how you make me feel when you around me. It's how I want to be more, when you're there.

Ok, this is totally unrelated. But I just can't help it... LOL!!

And so, feign ignorance, I understand. Take your time, I'll wait. Just know that I miss you, is all that I want you to know. You are my elusive one, and I want you to know that ;)

Day Out With Lily....

2009-06-30T09:01:00.004+08:00

You heard it here first.... Monday is the new Sunday...

Like I was saying to my manager the other day at work, Saturday is the new Monday, coz no one seemed to go out much nowadays. Even the richies are staying home eating their lovely home cooked meal with their family.

So, Monday is the new Sunday. Well, not exactly, but it's felt like so. And I usually have to work on Sunday, and off days on Monday. And I made a point to bring Lily out with me. Been a while since I brought her out. Really missed the 'father & daughter' date thingy.

Soon she'll start growing up, and then she'll start getting busy with school, friends and all. So now is the time, and soon we'll be spending more time apart once the Punggol flat is sold, and me chasing my dreams and well, that's life.

And we went out in the afternoon, and I actually planned to bring her around town, but ended up in Downtown East. Hee... Don't ask.

But it was fun. She fell asleep in the bus, and it rained when we got there. Nice weather to stay at home. Ahakz!!

So we reached Downtown East after an uneventful ride on the bus, and started roaming around.

Passed by Play@ExplorerKid but her membership card is with my ex, so decided to give it a pass. We were just walking around but we're having a blast, with Lily talking non-stop in her French accented English.

Had a stopover at MacD, and got a strawberry fudge for Lily, and choc fudge for myself. It's a fresh breathe of air. Not having to worry bout work or school and just be there for her, and let her be whatever she wants.

Went for movies (Transformers) a bit later, and while it wasn't her kinda movie, she didn't fall asleep. Instead she's being her chatty self, and me trying to hush her down.

"Lily, can you keep it down?" I would whisper to her when she starts on her chattering, only for her to whisper back, "What, daddy? Can you talk louder? I can't hear you?". And she would repeat it countless of times.

And I know she does it on purpose, the feign ignorance. Ahakz!! Gets on my nerves but in a funny way, coz she acts like a dumb blonde sometimes. She acts shy when my friends are around, but she would ask me, "Daddy, where is your friends? I want to meet your friends"

And so, after the movies, we parted ways with my colleague and headed for home. Was supposed to fetch Baby from my Aunt's but my ex says she's already at home.

So, we boarded the bus and it was around 10pm. She was in a hyper mood, and we created a din in the bus, laughing and joking and teasing each other like we're the only ones in there. Of course there were others, and some may be cursing under their breaths for the ruckus that comes from us, but I didn't care. All I care is we had a great time and it's something that I'll always keep in my heart.

Got home and tucked her in bed, but she chose to sleep with me outside in the living room, and that completes the day. She fell asleep looking like an angel, but not before muttering, "Daddy, next time we go out again ok? Goodnite. I love you"

And no other day felt as good as this.

Link to photos of the outing:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=101478&id=670476503&l=54307742cd

Falling Apart.....

2009-06-28T07:46:00.003+08:00

"Every now and then, someone comes into your life, and you realize that, life is never going to be the same anymore."

Pondering is a lifestyle

I'm pondering upon the statement over and over again. And as much as I hate to admit it, I think I'm falling apart becoz of that. I hate it that I feel as if I'm drifting closer as days goes by. I can't help but draw myself close.

I yearn for that human touch. I've neglected myself in terms of human affection. I shut myself out and make work my priority, and as much as I would hate to admit, the precipice of what I feel, is just a fraction of what I'm willing to let out.

I love the way my life is going on, but I hate the situations that I put myself in. I hate it that I don't feel free despite being able to do what I want. I hate it that somehow my heart feels shackled, coz I refuse to allow myself to get hurt anymore.

But it doesn't make me happy. Not at all. Yes, I am happy, in certain terms. But nobody always get want they want, or do they?

I feel myself getting drawn to you like moth to fire. A home made recipe for tragedy. As much as possible, I have always lived life with the mantra, 'Follow your heart.'

But this time, I had to pay no heed to it. And it hurts. Not becoz it wouldn't work out. But becoz I can see how things would pan out. If it were to me, I'd do everything to have you in my arms. We would live life happily ever after. And even you would know that it's a myth, that happily ever after.

It's more than just wanting to taste that forbidden fruit. It's the desire to keep it and nurture it albeit the volatility of it all. Everything stands in our way, and it's making me wanting you more than I possibly should.

I have nothing to lose. Coz I've already lost everything. Amidst the challenges that I have to go through in life, I realize that nothing comes without a price.

And I would give anything to have you in any other way rather than just a temporary fixture in my life. I'm asking for a lot, which I'm not sure I deserve. All I know is you deserve a whole lot better, or don't you?

I'm falling apart coz I refuse to listen to my heart. It tells me of the unbound happiness that awaits me should I decide to break all norms and boundaries that rules the human life. But does it make sense?

I'm scared of the uncertainties of it all, yet it excites me in a way that I've never expected. As I tear myself to sleep, I wondered if I'll ever reach that Promised Land. As pompous as life always is, I've learnt that subtlety is a asset.

And you tell me I don't understand. I don't. I struggle to coz I thought you didn't care anymore. But you do, and I can see the doubts in your eyes.

He's got a plan, I've got a dream. He's got the blueprint for a secure life, I've got the aspirations for a fulfilling one. He's got the sensibility of reality, I only have the vision of an idealist. He's an asset you should keep, I'm the negative liability your accountant warned you about. Wait, you don't have any. An accountant, I mean.

I've got this extreme urge to just take you in my arms and give you a deep kiss that would linger. And that's my irreconcilable flaw, that a kiss is never than just a kiss. It's so much more, and it's driving me crazy. The need to have you close, the wrenching grip in my heart.

Alas, at the end of the day, I'll be picturing you in my mind. Just a random notion that things aren't what they are supposed to be.

*deep breathe*

I reckon that now, it could go either way. And either way, I'll tell you this, you won't be easily forgotten.

And point to note, that elusive gal may not make it not becoz I set the bar too high. She might not make it coz she's got other stuffs on her mind, and I'm not part of it.

It's Saturday??!

2009-06-27T15:47:00.002+08:00

The week has come and will soon be gone. It's already Saturday??!

Darn... What happened to Friday? Hmm.... Lemme see....

Ouh... Went straight home after work... Coz I got exam in the morning. Jz now morning. Yeah...

Got home, and tried to revise my notes, only to end up snoring my night away. So much for burning the midnite oil, more like the midnite slumber.

And yeah, to whoever that took my book, may your itchy fingers be bitten by a thousand dancing moonwalking maggots.... Darn, it's my fault anyway.

On the way home last night, had a stopover at the mailbox and left my newly bought and still minty 'The Appeal' by John Grisham on top of the mailbox. And I absentmindedly left it there!!! Duh!! I realllllyyy wanna slap myself....

I realized it only like 15mins later after I've changed out of my clothes and wanted to resume my reading. DAMNDAMN!! Rushed to the void deck, only to be greeted by a note, 'You stupid selenge ass!! Your book is mine!! All mine!! Mine mine mine!!'

Not really actually, just greeted by emptiness, and the book that was no longer there. Sh!T!!

To think I got it at a bargain, off the shelf at SPC. Yeah, they sell books now. In no time, they'll start selling LCD TVs and furnitures. Then IKEA and Court can start filing for closure. What else can't you get at a petrol station?

And I was almost halfway through the book already. Damn!! You know what the feeling is like?

Imagine having s3x with your partner and having your parent banging on the door just as you're about to climax. Almost something like that la... I know, it sucks!!

And so, I woke up feeling groggy and lazy, but got a paper to catch. Arrived at school at 9am sharp, and got on to serious business of getting the exam for Module 1 done. I was the first to finish in 30mins.

I can barely believe it. 120 questions in 35 mins. Damn! I can't even be bothered to double-check on my answers. Now thinking back, I should have done so. Well, not to really check, but to give myself that ease of mind. Haha!!

Gotta get ready for work soon, and damn, it's Saturday... Hmm.... What should I do tonite? Someone, please call me.... ;) Wakakaka.... Or leave a mail, or text, or pigeon mail. No snail mail, it'll already be Monday by the time i get it.

Cheerios!!

Rest In Peace, dear Mike....

2009-06-26T12:16:00.003+08:00

It is unexpected, but life's capable of anything.

Rest In Peace - Michael Jackson (1958-2009)

Today the whole world mourns the death of 'King Of Pop' the legendary Michael Jackson.

I was suprised when I got the news via Twitter feed of Ashton Kutcher. Waking up groggy from last night's drinking binge, I was awaken by the words 'RIP Michael Jackson'.

I thought who would make such rumours bout a legend who inspires the world with his enrapturing songs, nifty footworks and extravagance stage set, the guy who brought us 'Thriller' and 'Smooth Criminal' and loadz of memorable tunes. I googled it, and found live feed of reactions around the world to his death.

It sank in after a while. The legend has gone.

Leaving behind a legacy, and sweet memories.

I struggle to remain calm, but as I let a tear roll down my face, I uttered a simple prayer.

'Rest in peace, Mike....'

I can never appreciate his music enough for accompanying me through my childhood. He never fails to entertain, even when life wasn't going right for him.

I reminisce back on the day I broke up with my secondary school sweetheart, crying silent tears in my room and listening to 98.7FM, his sweet voice came on air, singing a truly heartfelt rendition of 'You Are Not Alone'.

It was the most intense feeling I ever had, but I felt so much better after.

The last time the world mourn to this extent was when Princess Diana made her peace with God.

Today, however is much intense, much heartbreaking, much solemn.

Today, the world mourn for the legendary Michael Jackson. May he rest in peace. Amen.

Life Is Amazing.... Yeah, right...

2009-06-25T13:45:00.003+08:00

Today, I feel at peace.

A contrast from last night. No point saying it here. No one knows, nor will understand.

It's just getting on my nerves. F&*king sh!t.....

I shall exercise control and restraint. I shall remain calm and be peaceful like I always am.

I'm a very patient person. And I really mean VERY patient. I shall take bullsh!t by the nose and stick it up whoever asses it come from, or mouth....

I have always been a respectful person. I have. And I tried hard to reason nicely, and be tactful, and be polite. And somehow, I'm always at the brunt of dissatisfaction.

I take good care to be democratic, and yes, dignity doesn't mean a thing. To hell with it, it doesn't keep me alive, does it? I know I said nothing can hurt me anymore but I guess I'm still human when I say I've got feelings.

What a cheek to even throw me back my words... That's very smart. What about bringing up the damn bloody past? Good move.... Darn it.... If it's over, it's over.

Have you got nothing new to tell me, so you can put me back to my place?

You've moved on. Very well, I can see that.

I'm moving on too, you know.

And until you stop being a pain in the @ss.... And stop being condescending in your tone, I'll start being the nice guy that I am.

I wasn't always a sick b@st@rd with a foul mouth, you know.

Put me in the corner, no matter if I was the one retreating back to it, don't blame me for coming out kicking and hitting furiously at thin air.

And please, for f*&king God's sake, come up with something new when you feel like bashing me.

Coz repeating the same old story is getting boring for me. And bore me to tears is all you do. Literally.

And please, I really ask nicely now, whatever the god-damn-f&*king problem is, there's always a time and place for everything...

You can throw everything back at me, kitchen sink, wardrobe and whatever you can get your hands on. Hell, throw back what you can. Apart from a raised voice and smart choice of carefully selected words, which may not be music to your ears, that's as far as I'd go.

I have been tolerant of a lot of thing, and you may say the same bout me. Just don't let things get out of hand.

Coz whatever it is, my 2 lil angels is always first in my heart, no matter what. I love them with all my heart and soul. And that's the bottomline.

Happy Fathers' Day

2009-06-21T14:14:00.002+08:00

Happy Fathers' Day...

* whimpers *

Ain't so much of a daddys' day for me. I'll leave that for later.

Today, I wish my dad 'Happy Fathers' Day'. In memoriam.

Rahamat Bin Abu, he whom had made his peace with God 22 years ago.

I don't remember much of him though. I only have vague memories of him. Those times when he took me out for a ride on his 'retro' bike. Those days where he took the whole family out for a picnic at Changi beach.

And most remembered, was the day he stuffed me mouth with a handful of fresh chili, for swearing at my elder brother. That is the freshest in my memory. I didn't really remember swearing at my brother in any case.

All I remembered was that we were at the 2nd level landing of our Bedok North flat when I asked him to go up, we stayed at the 3rd level, and ask for some money to buy ice cream from the provision shop at the void deck.

Next thing I know, I saw the burly figure of Ayah (we call him Ayah) coming down the staircase and grabbing me by the collar (not really, actually, rather like grabbed my hand) and yanked me back home.

In the presence of my elder brother, he asked if I swore at him, asking him to go up and ask for money. I mean, what swear words could I have used on him? I was barely 6. I was stunned and muted to do anything and was pushed into the bathroom, and Ayah, shoving the offensive fresh chili in my mouth. Burning pain was all I feel. I'd rather get beaten, but I didn't.

Despite that, I remember Ayah as the most honest and benevolent person, with stories my mom told me about him when I was growing up.

For the next few days, I became the most polite boy in the household. At least, for the whole of my childhood. I would have became the most polite man even. But that was not to be.

Tragedy struck in the holy fasting month, in May 1987, if I remember the date correctly, Ayah got struck by heart attack. I was sleeping and remembered being awoken by chaotic cries by my siblings and my mother arriving arriving at the front gate, frantically entering the house.

I ran into the direction of where everyone is, my parents' room, and had to squeeze through, only to see the limp body of Ayah on the bed, with Quran in his hand, and eyes closed as if in deep peaceful slumber.

I was too stunned to react, too young to understand the gravity of not having a father in my life. I did not shed a single tear throughout, even during the funeral rites where everyone gave bid their farewell in the form of kissing his forehead before sending him off to the graveyard. Even to this day, I wonder why.

Growing up without a father, made me more independent. I had no role model to look up to. Even now, I still feel the envy seeing my friends with their parent so much alive well into their adulthood.

My father could have taught me a thing or two. Hell, maybe I wouldn't be the person I am. Maybe I would be better. Maybe.

Well, waking up on a Sunday, meant to be Fathers' Day without my lil angels around ain't hard to bear. (They are with their grandparents this weekend, and nope, not my side)

But somehow, I do feel a tinge of sadness not having them around.

I wonder if I could be a good father at all. I see them only in the morning and getting them ready for school. That's the highlight of my day, nowadays. But in a few months time, when Nora finally move out and get her own place, and me bunking in wherever I can bunk in, I wonder how much of them am I gonna see?

Nora came home around noon today, and told me to clear out the gals bag, and told me Azelya left something for me in there. Rummaging through the 'lil bully's' bag, I found a simple card, with the words, Happy Fathers' Day on it, and a beautiful picture of a blow art painting of a flower on it.

I can't help but feel a lil melancholic and missing them. I wished they are here, and bother me with their incessant little battle of 'who's the boss?', and their tug 'o' war.

So as I end this blog entry, I whisper the words, 'Happy Fathers' Day, Ayah.... And 'Happy Fathers' Day' to myself, let a tear drop, and a prayer to all fathers in the world.

'Happy Fathers' Day'.

Brunch In Bed...

2009-06-19T12:24:00.003+08:00

Woke up feeling all tensed up, and starving!!

Rummaging through the kitchen cabinet, what did I find?

Nothing much. Seriously, and given the choice that I had, I chose the unconventional.

I've had pasta for the past 2 days, and it's time to make a change.

Found a box of pancake mix, and a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin. Hee.... I know, but I don't care really.

Got to work and mixed the pancake mix with water. Simple!! And I got a golden crispy pancake that goes great with honey!! Now, if only I have a Honey to feed that pancake with honey to. You know what I mean.

Nice or wat??!

Well gals, now you know what to expect if you stayed over yeah? Ehem!! *coughcough* Ahakz!!

And I don't take caffeine. Seriously.... So it's never coffee, tea or me?? No way Jose.... It's just ME!!

And to sum things out, I had the most fulfilling brunch ever!! Well, my only complain would be that, the tall, leggy and busty gal I dreamt of last nite didn't turn up for brunch. Nah... I'll just see her when I take my noon nap...

Good nite!! Errm... Well, technically, for me it is. Ahakz!! ROLF!! ;)

Have a wonderful day!!!

What Else Should I Do?

2009-06-19T11:49:00.003+08:00

Still reeling in with disappointment with someone at work last night, I woke up feeling darn screwed. So screwed, I wanna screw myself up.

Should I have just kept my silence? Or was it right for me to even voice out my dissatisfaction? Firm, fair and friendly, that I how I expect my superior to be. But this time, somehow, over the period of time I've been working at B, things came to a boil.

I get paid to do a job, sure I'll whine and complain and bitch about life. But one thing for sure is I work to earn my keep, and that I deserve the money I get at the end of the month even though I may be doing more than I'm paid for, no matter how small it may be. At the end of the day, I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I can be proud that I made my day a fulfilling one. That I put in the effort. That I can spend the money I earn, it doesn't matter even if the bulk of it goes somewhere else but my spending.

It's not enough turning up. You gotta turn up on time. It's not enough to just be there. You gotta do more. And sure, maybe, working in this line, we get wasted once in a while... Geddit??! Once in a while, NOT once a week, not twice a week... You don't get paid for that.

I have colleagues in my team, people who cares. And people who cares enough to do their job well. But I guess that will remain unseen. I'm ranting non-stop about this, I know. But if I DON'T CARE, I'll just keep my silence and let things rot with time. But I do, and it saddens me to see thing going down this road.

I LOVE my job, and it pains me that I had to tender my resignation in order for me to attend school, though to me it's just temporary. That I'll make do as part timer for the next 8 mths. Painful but necessary. I'm making something for myself here, and the way I look at it, maybe some people don't realize the chances that they have been given in life.

That they don't realize that the opportunity is there for them to grab. Sure, the journey is wrought with humps and bumps, but we deal with it. We grab it by the throat and deal with it, not literally though. I grew up not having anyone to look up to, no role model. But I learn enough that hard work will get you anywhere, well, that includes nowhere too, but then, it never goes unnoticed.

I voice out my opinion, and say things that may offend sometimes, but eventually, the painful fact is there. There is a job to be done, and you get paid for it. Like it or not, you're paid to do it, and frankly so, whether you get it done or not, you'll still get paid. What idiocy! But it makes sense, no?

I stood by you, and it's not just me. A lot of other people have put their faith in you, hopes and all. You've been chosen. It's time to step up, talk the talk and walk the walk.

And lead. Not just lead in name. Lead by example. Be the best. Show why you're the best. No one to prove to but yourself.

What else can I do? What else should I do?

I guess I'll keep on at it. Do what I do best. Work hard. It may lead to nowhere, but I firmly believe, it'll never go unnoticed.

Marriage, ticket to Heaven or Hell??

2009-06-17T13:02:00.007+08:00

I've been afflicted with this one question that have been bugging me since my divorce years ago, and still bugging me now.

Will I ever settle down again?

I've said it yesterday, and today, and hopefully tomorrow.

I DON'T think I would. Ever. Maybe never.

Well, just don't judge me in an instant.

I'm not afraid of commitment, not at all. I'm not afraid of responsibility. It's just that I feel, to me, and maybe to me only, so don't start dissing me for having my own mind, that somehow marriage just F#$K UP everything.

Seriously. It's like a dead end road. I mean, you get there, and where do you go now that you're there? Ok... You'll have kids, and maybe lotsa kids. And then? What comes after? You raise them up, grow old and die. That's it? Is that it?

I'm all for commitment. Seriously, you can never find a more DEVOTED boyfriend than me, should I appeal enough to be one. I would be the BEST boyfriend anyone can ever have. Trust me, I am. Telling you this would sound like an idiosyncrasy but seriously, you can ask my ex-wife.

But I also S^CK big time at being a husband. Super duper big time. I just don't have the 'Husband' quality in me, I'll admit that. Nora will testify to that too, unfortunately.

Sure, I do a lot for the household, like laundries, helping out in the kitchen, tending to the kids. And more! But then I'll have to admit that I don't have the guile determination and will to be a good husband.

One of which I'm prone to succumbing to advances from other woman, I'll admit that. And that's a flaw I'm willing to live with. And no, don't be mistaken. I don't cheat. I don't lie. It's worse than that, I'll assure you.

So, let's get back to the title.

Which woman doesn't think of marriage? Gimme one, and I'll spend the rest of my life with her. Seriously.

My last 3 relationships ended becoz of one niggling topic that I can't comprehend. Coz everything started out fine.

Everything was lovely and nice. Well, of course it ain't nothing like a perfect match made in heaven. But I've never been in love like the way I'm in love the last time.

And months, not even years, down the road, my partner would have to pop the question, 'When will you ever pop the question to me? We never talked about it'.

Funny? She popping a question asking me when I'll pop the question? And everything went just the way it would.

POP!! The darn bubble bursts. In that instant.

Do you have to catch the last train or something?! Seriously..? It just spoils everything. And I'm not one who'll give false hope in any way. Ok, maybe I've been guilty of stringing them along, but I thought that if I never bring that question up, they'll never bring it up. BIG mistake. Ahakz!!

Diss me all you want, but I think every gal secretly wished to get married and have children and live happily ever after. Why? Ain't that what you're programmed to do? Ain't that your destiny? But is there all there is to it? Can't you get more ambitious than that? Like climbing Everest or something? Or maybe breaking Annabel Chong's record or something? Haha!! Ok, never mind....

Alright, I'm bracing myself for a whole lotsa flaming now. But then, this is my own personal view. At least I'm being honest.

I don't think a relationship need marriage to make it complete. No! Like me having a partner/girlfriend, she won't complete me. She'll just compliment me, the same way I would compliment her. She doesn't need a guy to make her complete. Neither do I.

Unfortunately, not many think that way. I respect the institution that marriage brings to the world. But that just what it is. An institution. Nothing more. Nothing less.

So, marriage = commitment? Why? Coz that's the norm?

I guess to each his own. And hers too.

And one more thing.... People always get married for ALL the WRONG reasons. Seriously... If you think I'm mental, then these people are seriously more mental than I am. So many wrong reason that I can't be bothered to recall, but I think you know.

Why can't we just live in harmony with love and hopes... So, I hope I find a partner/girlfriend, who won't pop me the question of me not popping her the 'QUESTION', months into the relationship. Well, hopefully years too....

But eventually, maybe when the time comes, maybe, just maybe, I'll think about it. Never say never.

But for now, I'll answer the question my friend posted in her FB.

"Marriage, ticket to Heaven or Hell?"

Well, my dear, I know what I said. But I'll take it back ok. Now I think it depends. Coz there's two of you leading the way. If both heads for heaven, then heaven it is. If both heads for hell, then it's obvious ain't it?

But if one is not in the same direction, then that answers my answer. NOWHERE.

For those happily married, all I can say is I'm truly happy for you. May you be blessed with lifelong happiness and love.

For those thinking of getting married, think again whether its for the right reason. Don't think twice. Think over and over again. And then again. Irritating, I know, but necessary.

For those who think marriage is a farce, welcome to the club. Call me anytime you want to. We'll have coffee, or dinner, or whatever ;)